How To Be A Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul

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Those of us who travel by plane are used to the flight attendant’s safety instructions. “If there’s a loss of cabin pressure, the panels above your seat will open, and oxygen masks will drop down. . . Be sure to adjust your own mask before helping others.”

Helping others before adjusting our own mask may result in passing out. We can’t help anyone. 

We need to take that same advice for our relationships. Adjust our own soul needs before attempting to help another.

Relationships can be like a pressurized cabin. 

They are not so even-keeled. We experience turbulence and high altitudes. Storms and fair weather affect our differences. Our ears pop. The ride gets rough. We’re required to stay in our seats with seatbelt securely fastened at times. 

Early on, our differences are exciting, novel, and energizing. Later in the relationship, they can become outright annoying. Rather than appreciating differences, they can escalate into major conflict. They can expose the soul storms of the relationship.

Many Christian couples vow, “The two of us are one.”

It doesn’t take long to realize one or both are saying, “Yes, and I’m the one.”  In a patriarchal marriage, bride may say, “He’s the one.” As years go by, both lose opportunity to develop their character. She becomes invisible. He’s caught up in self illusions. Neither has insights into their own souls.

Neither one attempts to adjust their own oxygen mask. They’re too busy trying to help the other. They become bitter, resentful, angry and resistant. Their world gets smaller. They’re stuck. Or they pass out.

Being a soulmate without losing your soul requires plenty of pressurized reality.

  • It takes two to be married. It takes two to be in relationship.  
  • Conflict is necessary for personal and relationship awareness.
  • You cannot change your partner, but you can change yourself.

Here’s ideas on how to adjust our own soul masks.

  1. Do breathe deeply when you feel reactive. Be curious about what’s going on inside of you. Slowing down physiologically helps give clarity to ask yourself, “What’s unfinished in my life that I need now?”
  2. To increase self-awareness, reflect on this question: “How is my spouse experiencing me?”
  3. See your spouse as a gift from God for your own character growth. Be willing to accept your spouses’ issues as helping you be patient or understanding.
  4. Nurture affirming friendships that can be energizing and supportive. Personal or marital isolation is an enemy to awareness and growth.
  5. Seek counsel way before patterns of bitterness set in.

Transitions such as raising children, career development, loss, and core differences contribute to the turbulence of life. The cabin pressure of your marriage will change. Those oxygen masks will drop. Always adjust yours first.

Questions to Ponder

What ideas would you add to the list of soul care?

How have differences in your marriage grown your character?

4 Ways to Make Your Marriage Work

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Nurturing marriage can be compared to the upkeep of a home. For example, mold on the bathroom floor left untreated will eventually consume the entire house. I know a family who lost all their possessions and risked their health due to mold in their rented home. They had to move.

Of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse we’ve already covered –

  • criticism
  • defensiveness
  • stonewalling

This next one is the most toxic of all.

Dr. John Gottman names this horseman, contempt. Contempt attacks the good will of the other. It’s a continual attitude of opposition. It holds onto resentment as if it’s driftwood in an ocean storm. It’s buying into the illusion that your partner is your enemy. It’s experiencing your marriage as a battlefield.

Grudge-holding takes on a life of it’s own. Like a horse with blinders the narrow view of negativity blocks the positive qualities of the spouse.

Contempt is not only the biggest destroyer of marriage, it destroys one’s own soul.

John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. . .

Here’s what contempt looks like:

  • Cynical comments
  • Cruel jokes about spouse
  • Sarcasm
  • Name-calling
  • Eye rolling
  • Sneering

Angel of Acceptance is Forgiveness.

The second half of John 10:10 gives clarity to Christ’s purpose to give us a full and abundant life. I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.

There’s nothing in our humanity that makes us more like Christ than when we forgive our spouse.

 

A clean heart and continual attitude of forgiveness is the pathway to a full life and to connection in marriage. It’s recognizing our own need for God’s grace so we can give it away to our spouse.

Forgiveness is the only antidote to contempt. A marriage cannot survive without forgiveness.

 

Here’s what mental thoughts of forgiveness might be: 

  • I’m willing to see you as a person of dignity and worth.
  • I’m willing to examine my own heart when we have conflict.
  • I consider you a gift from God.
  • I cannot grow my character without you by my side.
  • I’m in need of God’s forgiveness and am willing to receive it and give it freely.

What are the four ways to make your marriage work?

  1. Replace criticism with vulnerability and empathy
  2. Replace defensiveness with openness
  3. Replace stonewalling with listening
  4. Replace contempt with forgiveness

There are many products on the market to remove mold from your bathroom. Acknowledge resources to remove the contempt from your marriage. 

Questions to Ponder

In what ways have you experienced forgiveness from your spouse?

How have you granted forgiveness?

How does contempt show up in your relationship?

How To Overturn Toxic Marital Patterns

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I’ve never met a grandparent who doesn’t have a huge smile when talking about their newborn grandchild. My newest is now two months old. We look into each other’s eyes. I give her my undivided attention and she smiles with her whole body.

Little ones remind us of our basic human relationship needs:

  • to love and be loved
  • to give and receive
  • to get attention

It’s easy to be aware of the relationship needs of our children and grandchildren. It’s challenging to see our spouse with the same needs.

Dr. John Gottman termed “stonewalling” as one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that predicts emotional and/or physical divorce. It does the opposite of meeting basic needs of our humanity.  

It’s generally husbands who stonewall their wives. I’ve also seen couples where wife stonewalls husband.

Stonewalling is when one spouse doesn’t respond to the other.

It’s like talking to a stone wall. Marital stonewalling not only damages the relationship, but also damages the physical health of the individual.  When a wife is stonewalled by her husband, her blood pressure rises and heart rate increases. Husbands who are stonewalled by their wives generally don’t have the same physical reactions.

Example # 1:

Wife walks in the door with plastic bags full of groceries. “Hi honey. Would you help me bring in the rest of the groceries?” Husband keeps watching the football game on TV as if she wasn’t there. He pretends he doesn’t hear her.

Example # 2:

Wife nags husband for the unfinished bathroom project. She runs out to the driveway while he is packing golf clubs in the trunk – something he’s looked forward to on his day off.  She’s left to deal crying baby, dirty diapers and a dysfunctional toilet. He drives away. Her blood pressure rises.

Some who stonewall don’t mean to. They may be thinking about how to respond. Others have learned to stonewall to protect themselves from perceived attacks. They’ve done it all their lives.

Stonewallers go into their turtle shells to escape their overly dramatic spouses. One spouse takes the role of tiger and roars loud while the other takes the role of turtle and hides.

Neither husband or wife are aware they invite the responses they get.

The Still Face Experiment shows us how damaging stonewalling is to our basic needs. Edward Tronick, Ph.D. demonstrates infant/parent interaction studies with this three minute video. It shows a one year-old and her mom smiling and interacting with each other. For only a few seconds mother turns away and stonewalls her child. The child becomes distressed and cries. Of course, mother ends the experiment with comfort and empathy toward her baby.

We all need emotional connection from our spouse and those we’re close to.

The Angel of Acceptance – Reflective Listening includes:

  • Direct and loving eye contact
  • Acknowledging the others’ presence
  • Verbal Communication
  • Loving touches

As a review we’ve covered the first three of the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – predictors of emotional or physical divorce -Criticism, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. The first three of the four Angels of Acceptance include Praise, Openness, and Reflective listening.

Questions to Ponder:

Do you identify yourself as a turtle or tiger?

Choose one of the four reflective listening ideas. Comment on what you will do between now and next week.

What has worked in your relationship to invite loving responses?

How To Reverse Toxic Marital Patterns

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Just add hot water” it says on the package of the strawberries and cream instant oatmeal. When I need to get out the door and want a quick breakfast, it’s there, ready and fills my hunger.

When it comes to hunger in relationships, “just add hot water” will do the opposite.

It’s instant. A certain look can trigger it. Add a negative attitude. Mix in a critical remark and bam!

In the previous post we identified criticism as the first of four horsemen. Now, we look at defensiveness.

Spouse reacts to critical remark. “I can’t believe you said that. I’ve worked hard all week. I’m the one who takes the kids to soccer practice. You can do your own wash. . .”

Blood pressure rises, face gets stern, volume increases, and voice intensifies.

Horseman # 2 Defensiveness 

We all do it in some form or another. We react to criticism.  The fight, flight, or freeze part of the brain kicks in. In an instant, we react with defensiveness which can be verbal or not. Intimidating looks do the trick.  

  • We expect to be heard and understood.
  • We expect to be appreciated.
  • We expect to live in a world that’s right and fair.
  • We expect marriage to be 50/50.

There are differences between occasional irritations with a spouse and chronic emotional abuse.

For now, let’s address the minor of the two, although be aware that verbal, mental and emotional abuse grows out of the four Horsemen’s recurring presence.

Angel of Acceptance # 2 – Openness

Although the first two horsemen  (Criticism and Defensiveness) are instant intruders, the Angel of Acceptance (Openness) is gentle and slow.

Every one of us live in our own experiences and perspectives. Marital growth depends on our ability to understand the perspective of another.  

When we expect our spouses to have divine qualities, and they show up as humans with flaws, we’re faced with our own illusions.

It may sound simplistic, but they can’t read our minds. Nor do they respond how we need for them to. And they get tired, and hungry. They may or may not have developed the coping skills we expect. We focus on their negative traits.

Openness will drive the Horseman of Defensiveness away. He’ll have no reason to stick around.  Openness is willing to take in several deep breaths and slow down. 

Openness will reflect on statements like:

  • This criticism is not about me.
  • My spouse is a human being, not God.
  • How can I grow through this experience?
  • How can I communicate my needs graciously?

In the next post I’ll address the third of the Four Horsemen and Angel of Acceptance. For now, join the conversation.

Questions to Ponder

Which of the above statements would you like to focus on?

How have you grown toward openness in your marriage?

How would taking deep breaths and slowing down be helpful in your relationships?