3 Basics of a Full Life

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In reflection of Easter Sunday, it’s worth taking time to slow down and ponder. Epic war movies such as “Saving Private Ryan” stir us to value our lives. Discovering three brothers had died within a week, the mission was to spare the fourth brother during World War II. The last scene shows Ryan as an old man at the grave of the sergeant who led the forces. Ryan turns to his wife for affirmation that he lived his life well.

We’re reminded of 3 basics of a full life.

Deep within our souls, we desire to live our lives well.

  1. Learn from the past

  2. Notice patterns

  3. Resurrect potential

Sunday afternoon I wanted a peaceful place to write; to hear God say, Come over here, Judy. I have something to show you. Instead, stacks of paper, to-do piles, and unfinished manuscripts were the opposite of what I wanted. Email and paper hoarding are huge struggles; considered as my “writing blocks.”

I almost tossed the old letter in the trash bag in my efforts to throw out clutter. It was a “Dear Lord” letter written at a crisis of discovery in my life from years ago.

I re-read old feelings of betrayal and shock. It was like an emotional earthquake then. A “trustworthy” co-worker betrayed me. The writing captured raw emotions and circumstances.

The outlet for the tormented neuropathways of my brain and desperation of my soul were there. Memories of crying out to God through that letter touched me in the “now” of my fresh reading.

Why go backwards and read such a thing?

Why did I even keep it? Why the mental energy to read it now? What is familiar? What is different? How is my reasoning now as I look into the heart of my younger self? 

Ah, I’m glad you asked!

I’m a therapist and a writer which requires insight in my own life as I counsel or write for others. Yes, I’m looking for connections and meaning. The Holy Spirit continues to invite me into the abundant life Christ died to give. Resurrection Sunday, life’s circumstances, relationships, and seasons are continual reminders of death, grief, new life, and celebrations.

Learn from the past

[bctt tweet=”Our pain is never wasted, tears have meaning and our days are numbered.” username=”JudyKHerman”] Forgiveness is a journey. Deep emotions and traumatic experiences are temporary. They’re opportunities for meeting God in the raw places of our souls. Allow transformation to happen.

Notice patterns

Our brains are wired for patterns. How we related in our family of origins become templates for our adult relationships. If we notice the patterns, we can be intentional to change. We can’t change anything we’re clueless about. Journal writing is a great mirror of insight and self-awareness.

Resurrect potential

The value of looking back, learning, and being more aware helps free us for the new. Like pruning dead branches from Azalea bushes, we allow blooms to open to give hope for others. We model and experience newness. We head in the direction of the full life Christ meant for us.

As you reflect beyond Resurrection Sunday, be willing to reflect on the sacrifice and your worthiness: learn from the past, notice patterns, and embrace the fullness of your life.

Questions to Ponder

What lessons have you learned in your life?

What patterns have you noticed in your relationships?

What potential awaits you at this stage?

3 Secrets to Unexpected Change

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How to move beyond the brick walls of the unexpected.

  1. Move beyond first impressions.
  2. Lean into the good, bad, and ugly emotions.
  3. Surround yourself with cheerleaders.

If you’re like me, you could pinpoint a single incident that triggered a storm of unexpected change. You have thoughts of:

If only I’d done this or that.

If I were more attuned, then I would’ve . . .

It can’t be just me. . . and what’s really going on? Why didn’t I see this coming?

Whether it’s unresolved conflict with a boss or lasting negative impressions you knew nothing about, the decision for change wasn’t yours.

You felt left out of the equation. Attempts at resolve were like brick walls.

I needed at least a full eight months for my own mental shifts and emotional preparations. Time crunch. Holidays. Stress. Obligations. Family visits. Pressure. Overwhelming emotions. Fear. Worry. Risk. Eight weeks later.

Here are three things I’m learning (or re-learning):

Move beyond first impressions.

From finishing old business to meeting with new colleagues, I’m learning to be curious rather than judgemental. Isn’t it so natural to judge? Yes, there is a Judge who bears my name.

As my husband scouted out several office spaces, he saw a particular office that could be a right fit. He described the character of the historic building; the beautiful wood floors and tall ceiling. It’s just the right space to facilitate your small groups.

It would be the perfect space for me if it weren’t for the close-up brick wall view out the window.

I wasn’t open when he told me about the brick wall.

The massive window reached nearly to the top of the 15 foot ceiling. It’s width took up the entire wall of the room. The brick view was another building just a few feet away. No trees, no grass, no flowers, no feeling of the outdoors.

My husband said, You can see the sky when you look up.

I didn’t consider it. I didn’t even look.

Now, several weeks later, I’m settled into my new office at the Clearstory building. The brick wall view out my window now has new meaning.

Here’s what others have said after being in this space.

  • It’s perfect for a counselor’s office. . . No need for curtains on that window. The brick wall gives privacy, yet lets in the light.
  • It’s a metaphor. Our problems are like brick walls. You can’t see what’s on the other side, yet the blue sky is indication there IS another side.  
  • Awesome that you have a brick wall to look at through your window. You can enjoy the outdoors without the distractions of cars or people.

Lean into the good, bad, and ugly emotions.

[bctt tweet=”Emotions are meant to be temporary guests in the home of our lives.” username=”JudyKHerman”] I’ve been a guest at a few airbnb‘s (an economical alternative to staying in a hotel). Most have been pleasant and others not so much. But all were temporary.

Treat all emotions as temporary guests rather than permanent residents. Both “unpleasant” and “pleasant” guests (good, bad, ugly emotions) are teachers. Anxiety, fear, and worry all have purpose. God designed us all to feel.

Pay attention to feelings and messages you may otherwise ignore.

Our experiences, decisions, and emotions in life reveal purposeful patterns. Pay attention to you how you’ve handled past changes. What have you learned about yourself? What have you learned from unexpected changes? 

The more I pay attention, the more clear I become.

Dignity in Relationships, a Life by Design has emerged through recent and past growth experiences in my life.  

Surround yourself with cheerleaders.

My virtual mentors, Michael Hyatt and Jeff Goins have been invaluable to me. Folks like Matt Wolf and Bradly Will helped get me started with online presence. Marvin Varghese and other therapist podcasters remind me of cheerleading mantras of my high school days.

Where there’s a will there’s a way, hey. 

I’ve grown since moving my practice and rebranding my services.

I’ve come to appreciate the entrepreneurial support in our city.

I’m thriving on the weekly group support and mentoring of Co-Lab and the Co-Starter program. Tennessee Small Business Development Center has provided me help through mentoring, counseling, and seminars.

Embrace the Brick Walls of Change

Now every time I walk into my office and see the brick wall window view, I’m reminded of three things.

Move beyond first impressions. Lean into the temporary guests of emotions. Surround yourself with cheerleaders.

Questions to Ponder

What unexpected change are you facing now?

What emotional guests have stayed too long?

Who are your cheerleaders?

 

 

How to Measure Healthy Relationships

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Many are confused on what makes healthy relationships. 

Most couples enter counseling with a lot of uncertainty. One is usually dragged in by the other. One says, We need help. The other says, We’re doing fine. . . We can work this out on our own. . .We’re not as bad off as you think.

As a relationship therapist, I recommend couples counseling before it gets to the we’re-not-as-bad-as-you-think argument. Most come in when it’s the last ditch effort to save the relationship.

Easy for a relationship therapist to say. When you’re IN the relationship, it’s difficult to know who’s more accurate than the other.

Tigers and Turtles choose each other

TigerPhotoIt’s common for one spouse to minimize and the other to maximize. I call it the “Turtle/Tiger” syndrome.

Turtles typically hide in their shells and avoid conflict or accuse their partners of blowing things out of proportion.

Tigers roar and persist until they are heard. Many times they DO see things worse than they are. Turtles DO see things “not as bad” as they really are.

We measure other things.  

Have you taken pride in managing your money well, then later found out a check bounced? Have you balanced the checkbook and then discovered you were spending more on eating out than you realized?

Have you believed you were eating well, then were surprised the scales registered 10 pounds more than expected? Have you written down everything you ate and saw you were taking in many more calories than you were actually burning?

TurtlePhoto

The Partnership Pattern chart

A great way to balance the check book of your marriage or relationship is keeping track of behaviors for a month at a time.

No need to write down what you eat here. All you have to do is observe, experience, and check off measurable items that are going on now in your relationship.

It can bring awareness about our own behaviors. Most folks don’t realize how they inadvertently ask for the negative behaviors they get from their spouse.

It’s true that you can’t control another person’s behaviors or attitudes. But you can invite the respect and love you long for.

Ideally, it’s great for both Tigers AND Turtles to participate.

But if the Turtle in your life is still hiding, you Tigers will have a great outlet for awareness of yourself and the relationship patterns. The idea is to check off what you experienced most in the relationship that day. Do it every day for one month and get a clear picture of what you need, whether it’s an enrichment weekend or crisis intervention.

Know where your relationship stands.  Sign up for your free Partnership Pattern chart.

Confessions of a Therapist

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On the outside, it may look like New Year’s resolutions have gone by the wayside.

My last article on “Sacred Interruptions” seem like Christmas decorations still hanging around. Here’s the first of other confessions. We do have our stuff put away! 

Energies have gone into preparations for my new business. The last two months could easily have been spread out an entire year.

I’ve moved from the shady comfort of group private practice at Elbow Tree Christian Counseling. After  nearly a decade, I’m now on my own as JudyCounselor. Multiple emotions have accompanied my new private practice journey.

Confessions: Uncertainty, fear, excitement, energy, grief, sadness, disappointment, determination, and anticipation are just a few I can name.

Here are my “Confessions of a Therapist” to pave the way for clarity as I make huge changes.

  • I’m owning a forgotten entrepreneurial spirit that’s been dormant for years. Still passionate about the counseling I do, I’m energized to move beyond the four walls of my office. 
  • I love to write even though I have gobs of insecurity and writer’s block from time to time. Affirmations from readers fuel my energy. 
  • I’ve adopted Dr. Brene Brown as my official cheerleader. Her book, Daring Greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent and lead, is my mantra. My history of daring greatly has been packaged through Scripture  and points of spiritual risk-taking. Brene’s message is packaged with psychological research on vulnerability and shame. She makes sense of what whole-hearted living is about. I call it the abundant life Christ died to give!
  • Major changes for me come about every decade. From teaching piano lessons in my home, to selling Avon, to home-schooling my four young children, to volunteer work at our local pregnancy center, to pursuing professional development, I seem to shift every 10 years. My perspective changes, and I grow along the way.

I’m thankful for being in this grandparent stage of life. I see patterns and cycles that never made sense to me like they do now. I’ve been blessed beyond what I deserve! I’m more than thankful for those who have entrusted their lives with me in the sacred space of my counseling office.

My new practice includes personal development counseling and consulting for leaders: parents, clergy, therapists, medical professionals, volunteers, and influencers. Creating Dignity in Relationship, a Life by Design sums up my mission statement. May you dare greatly as you move into the New Year.

Questions to Ponder

  1. What gift has been dormant in you that’s waiting to be recognized?
  2. What decision or affirmation do you need to move toward a whole-hearted life?
  3. How has your perspective changed from the past?

Sacred Interruptions

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Life is full of interruptions. Our well-planned agendas can be suddenly altered. We all experience it. And how we deal with it is what matters. Their meanings alter our values and life decisions.

Interruptions from the Past

As a mom of four young children, I longed for an oasis of peace during times of frustration and exhaustion. One memorable morning, I got up early to read Scripture, write in my prayer journal, and be alone with the Lord. I was quiet and settled in my rocking chair with a cup of hot tea.

Ready to take my first sip of sacred time, the pitter patter of little feet ran down the hallway. My openness turned into irritation in a matter of seconds. My annoyance was about to spill over to my two year-old. I was tempted to scold him back to bed. It was still dark. He needed his sleep. And I needed my quiet.

I looked down at him. His platinum blonde hair reflected the innocence glowing around him. My heart softened. The moment stood still. Looking into his eyes were mirrors to my soul reflecting love. . . invitation. . . connection. . . awareness.

[bctt tweet=”Looking into his eyes were mirrors to my soul reflecting love. . . invitation. . . connection. . . awareness.” via=”no”]

The Spirit of God spoke to me in an almost audible voice saying, Judy, this is my little bit of heaven for you. I’m meeting you here now. Here is my gift to you.

That moment became sacred. How much more clear could God be? My cup of tea and my Bible, and my journal, and my agenda were no longer important.

I cuddled my little boy and told him, You’re my little bit of heaven, my son. He climbed up on my lap, his warm little body molded to mine. I rocked and sang praise songs with tears rolling down my face.

Interruptions in the Present

Here I am, many years later. Looking for the “Little Bit of Heaven” in the interruptions. Christmas seasons are sacred. It wasn’t that long ago that I stressed about the tree not being decorated. Or I waited too long to write & send Christmas cards.

It’s okay to feel a roller coaster of emotions at times. Memories that ornaments hold can trigger grief or loss. But the invitation here is to allow our emotions to be temporary messengers to our soul. Let them come. Let them go. 

[bctt tweet=”But the invitation here is to allow our emotions to be temporary messengers to our soul. Let them come. Let them go.” via=”no”]

How to welcome meaning in the interruptions:

  1. Slow down
  2. Stay in the moment
  3. Do the next right thing
  4. Look for “Little bits of heaven” in the midst. They usually show up in unexpected ways.

If I made a different choice on that day years ago, I may have scolded my “interruption” back to bed. Then I’d have continued sipping on my hot tea. My justifying may sound like this: “I’m exhausted. I deserve this alone time. I’m determined to make it happen no matter what.”

With my agenda? The day would have become forgotten along with other insignificant history.

Instead, that moment became transcendent. It holds deep meaning now.

Questions to Ponder

What are your interruptions during this Christmas season?

What meanings do you have from interruptions from the past?

How can you be intentional to slow down and stay in the moment?