It’s those magical “ah ha” moments that make marital therapy a highlight in my counseling practice. Most come in with intense conflict, discouragement, or crisis. Then the moment of truth emerges.

I’ve had some “ah ha” moments of my own.

Drs. John and Julie Gottman call it the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse – identifying what results in physical or emotional divorce. Their 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples revealed some “ah ha” moments for me. It all made sense.

The four horsemen are, criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. I could now help couples recognize and minimize the secret killers. On the other hand, I’ve termed the life-giving antidotes The Four Angels of Acceptance.   

We’ll cover each of the four horsemen in the next four posts. We’ll get to know what each of the Four Angels of Acceptance are and how to be intentional about them.  

Horseman  # 1 – Criticism

For some, criticism and negative thinking is a deeply ingrained character trait. We may not recognize when we do it. Those of us with “fix it” mentalities, look for ways to point out what another could do to improve. Criticism is magnifying the negative and disregarding the positive.

Critical remarks are usually judgmental “You” or “Master Talk” statements. It’s more than a minor complaint such as: “Our house is such a mess. We need to spend time to clean today.”

Criticism sounds more like: 

• “Our house is such a mess. You’re too lazy to clean it up.”
• “You’re ideas are ridiculous. You don’t have a clue.”
• “You don’t care about me; all you care about is yourself.”

Criticism attacks the character of a spouse. Criticism puts the criticizer in a position of being judge and jury against the spouse.

Angel of Acceptance # 1 – Vulnerability and Praise

The Angel of Acceptance thrives on living in reality. It means having a realistic view of self and spouse. It’s the ability to know one’s own worthiness of love, and see one’s spouse as a gift from God.

When conflict happens, (and it always does), Vulnerability may sound like this:

• “Clutter makes me anxious. What can I do to partner with you to clean up?”
• “I don’t quite get your reasoning, but help me understand.”
• “My opinion is not gospel truth. I’m curious about how you’re experiencing me.”

Praise requires looking for positives in the other. It’s being open to growth. It’s recognizing our own blind spots. Its the ability to compliment the positive character traits of your spouse. Examples look like:

• “I’d love a clean house, but I really appreciate how care for our children.” 
• “I appreciate our differences. You help me think beyond my own perspective.” 
• “I’m thankful that you help me be more aware of myself and how I come across to you.”

In the next post I’ll address the second of the Four Horsemen and Angel of Acceptance. For now, join the conversation.

Questions to Ponder

How have you praised your spouse lately?

How open are you to your own growth in your marriage?

Most of us don’t even know it when we’re doing it. We do it often. Then we can’t understand how the other person gets so reactive to what we just said.

We end up thinking or saying things like,  

       I can’t even share how I feel. . . 

              I’ll just keep my mouth shut next time. . . 

                     There’s no use in trying to talk.

We walk away disconnected, or discouraged, or outright angry.  

When in personal conversation with another, the number one killer of emotional safety is Master Talk.

Master talk is a term I learned through my certification training as an Imago Therapist. Any statements that start with “You. . . ” are usually Master Talk statements. 

Here are types of Master Talk and their examples. Notice the “You” statements.

• Defining another person’s character negatively.

Example: You’re just being selfish. You’re too lazy to put the dishes away.

• Judging another’s thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.

Example: You think you have to explain yourself because your parents didn’t listen to you.  

• Judging another’s motives and intentions.

Example: You don’t care. All you want to do is watch TV. You don’t understand.

• General bias spoken as gospel truth.

Example: All men are disconnected from their emotions. All women are controlling. Everyone has resentment. All church-goers are hypocrits.

The reality is that we have interpretations and stories in our minds about others we’re in relationship with. . . or others in general. Does anyone but God know the reason another person does or says what they do? 

A way to avoid Master Talk is to speak from our own experiences. Here’s some examples of emotionally safe phrases: 

• How I’m experiencing you is . . . (taking ownership of your experience)

• A story I have in my mind about you is. . .  (not claiming it to be universal truth)

• I may be wrong, but I have a theory about you. . . (willingness to be wrong)

May we strive to recognize and avoid Master Talk and seek to make our relationships emotionally safe.

Ephesians 4:35 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.

Questions to Ponder

1. Which Master Talk statements do you hear most often?
2. Which “emotionally safe phrase” will you focus on using?
3. What does “emotionally safe” mean to you?