Attitude Relationship Traps #4

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. . . . And How to Avoid Them.

Leadership Attributes vs. Control Tendencies

Some who naturally have strong leadership skills also have difficulty with control issues within their own families. For others who are people pleasers, it’s easy to be “victims” of control. The power/control pattern out of balance is damaging in the long-run.

Recently, I didn’t think twice to do exactly what my mom told me to do as I was driving both of us to an event. Although, I would have chosen the highway for efficiency and directness, she told me to go the back way. I did what she said. We found ourselves inching along in heavy traffic.

I finally asked, “why did you want me to go this route?”

She said, “because I don’t like driving on the highway.”

“Oh,” I said.

I then realized, I’m the driver! She’s the passenger! She wanted me to go the back way because she didn’t like driving on the highway.

When I pointed that out, we both started laughing. As her grown daughter, I automatically took her orders unquestioningly! The reason it was so funny is because she experiences the same thing with her mom: takes her orders unquestioningly. . . until she figures it out a moment later.

I’ve been accused of coming from a family of matriarchs, meaning we have strong leadership among the women. I saw it in my great grandmother who led Adult Bible studies in her church at a time when women weren’t supposed to teach men!

Power/Control Patterns

The damaging part of control is when the people-pleaser of the pair develops self-doubt, worry, fear, and insecurity. The controller of the pair gets stuck in an illusion of power and false security. The relationship is not reciprocal or equal.

In my work with couples I’ve seen another side of the pattern. Controllers marry people-pleasers. If neither one recognizes it, one or both partners loose their sense of self while the other remains stuck in the illusion.

I’m glad my mom and I both recognized this dynamic. I told her I’m going to be assertive and go the way I want next time! We belly-laughed over it because it was so familiar!

We were able to respect the otherness of the other.

Overview

  1. Attitude of entitlement – replace with gratitude
  2. Attitude of being the truth-bearer – replace with listening
  3. Attitude of disregard – replace with honoring others
  4. Attitude of control – replace with otherness
  5. Attitude of being the victim

Questions to Ponder

  1. What do you identify with in this article?
  2. What power/control patterns have you inherited?
  3. What does “otherness of the other” mean to you?

 

 

Attitude Relationship Traps # 3

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. . . And How To Avoid Them

Disregard 

Most of us have known what it’s like to wait in line at the customer service counter and be ignored by the retail worker. Even if she or he was busy putting boxes away, or changing out cash drawers, or taking inventory, we at least wanted a glance of acknowledgement in our direction with a courteous,”I’ll-be-right-with-you-in-a-moment.”

We may have known what it’s like to sit in a restaurant and be forgotten. Other patrons who came in after us had ordered and been served their meals.  We felt invisible. We were disregarded.

Such encounters are minor irritations that cause inconveniences. Yet, when an attitude of disregard characterizes a significant relationship, it’s not so minor.

In our significant relationships, we get into patterns of familiarity. I call it a dance. Perhaps we get used to being disregarded. Or we are not aware of disregarding the other. Over time, the dance pattern tears down the dignity of the relationship.

Most attitudes of disregard begins in childhood. For some, we were groomed to believe children are to be seen and not heard. The generational pattern gets repeated in our childrearing attitudes.

In parenting, disregard sounds like this. . .

  • “Do what I say, just because I said so” without regard to the child’s internal or external experiences.
  • “Tell your brother you’re sorry” without taking time to understand the child’s perspective.

In marriage, disregard may look like this. . .

  • Complaining about a meal the other prepared
  • Focusing on the spouse’s flaws
  • Saying sarcastic statements at the other’s expense
  • Trying to fix the spouse’s problem rather than listening
  • Avoiding eye contact

In leadership ministry or business, disregard may look like this . . .

  • Not returning phone calls or emails
  • Having unrealistic expectations of employees or workers
  • Refusing to hear concerns or ideas of others

Whether a child, or spouse, or employee, each person is worthy. Each one deserves to be listened to, and regarded as significant.

Ongoing disregard of another’s point of view, their beliefs, their feelings, and their experiences damages relationships. All of us long to be heard, seen, understood, and valued.

As patrons, we desire prompt service. How much more our significant relationships need continual nurturing of honor and respect!

May we pay attention to the traps that destroy relationships and seek to honor others. Next week we’ll cover the attitude of control.

Overview

  1. Attitude of entitlement – replace with gratitude
  2. Attitude of being the truth-bearer – replace with listening
  3. Attitude of disregard – replace with honoring others
  4. Attitude of control
  5. Attitude of being the victim

Questions to Ponder

  1. Do I consider my own perspective limited?
  2. How do I strive to be curious rather than judgemental?
  3. How do I honor others?

Attitude Relationship Traps # 2

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. . . And How to Avoid Them

Truth-bearing (2 of 5 attitude traps)

Last week we identified the attitude of entitlement as a trap that destroys relationships. We learned that gratitude and thankfulness are ways to avoid the entitlement trap.

Some may be surprised that truth-bearing is the second among 5 attitude traps that destroy relationships. Anyone with the natural gift of teaching will recognize truth-bearing as part of their character. Many of us who are moms of adult children can identify. Spouses can relate.

Truth-bearing attitude is a problem when it interferes with personal relationships. A person’s perspective of “right” trumps life-long “relationship.”

Here’s an example:

I had an epiphany a few years ago during a lunch date with one of my grown children. I became aware of an attitude I had that contributed to my young adult child’s irritation toward me. The relationship seemed to deteriorate and I couldn’t figure out why.

I saw myself as the only one who could teach truth. I was looking for things that needed my “wisdom” rather than appreciating the individuality of my child.

Many of us unknowingly objectify our loved ones. We see them as projects to be fixed. We miss out on their uniqueness. We miss out on their beauty and their giftedness. We choose “right” over “relationship.”

Another example observed:

A mom and college-age son were in a social setting in which an older adult attempted to make conversation with the son. The mom, standing right beside the son answered for him. She unknowingly gave messages of: He can’t answer for himself. I am the one who knows him. I’m his mediator.

He is conditioned to be quiet and allow girlfriends to speak for him. Later, he may seek to marry a woman who speaks for him, feels for him, and does for him. He has learned not to do for himself. He will likely be criticized by his wife for not speaking up about his feelings.

Marriage Vows: You and I are One. . . and I’m the One

Some of us choose spouses we can fix. Like a knight in shining armor, a man may be drawn to a needy woman. He lives in the illusion of “I’m right. . . she’s wrong.” Christian couples getting married may unknowingly adopt the attitude of, “we are one. . . and I’m the one.”

The danger of the I’m-right-and-you’re-wrong-truth-bearing attitude is that it devalues the other person.

Illusions of Being the Only Truth-bearer

We adopt illusions that we are the only ones who can teach truth to our adult children, or wayward spouse, or young adult grandchildren. We believe our loved one’s life will fall apart if we don’t tell them how to live. If we make another’s decision that rightfully belongs to them, we set ourselves up for being blamed and controlling.

Trust God’s Design for Our Humanity

Most of us strive to do what we know to be right. We have a sense of right and wrong deep within the fabric of our souls. It’s part of our humanity to live meaningful lives that influence our loved ones in positive ways.

To avoid the attitude of being the only truth bearer is to trust in God’s design for each of us in our humanity. We are not the Holy Spirit. We cannot control the thoughts of our children no matter what age they are. We cannot turn the hearts of our spouse toward doing right. Each person is responsible for their own choices. God Himself honors our free will.

Gifts of Love and Listening

To avoid the truth-bearing trap, learn to listen with an attitude of curiosity. Respect the differences of those you love. Be willing to learn from them. Align with the reality that none of us have a corner on all truth. We can pray with openness for God’s perspective in our own lives as well as our concerns for others. We can trust the Holy Spirit to move in the hearts of our family members.

Next week I’ll share how the attitude of disregard is another trap that destroys relationships.

Questions to Ponder

How have you been intentional with gratitude and listening?

How have you accepted another’s differences?

Overview

  1. Attitude of entitlement – replace with gratitude
  2. Attitude of being the truth-bearer – replace with listening
  3. Attitude of disregard
  4. Attitude of control
  5. Attitude of being the victim

5 Attitude Relationship Traps

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. . . And How To Avoid Them.

As a little girl I heard and fantasized about fairy tales that ended in “happily ever after.”

Then life happens along with seasons of busting through illusions. For some us, adult relationships are much like the merry-go-round we played on as children. We go around in circles and can’t get off.

Although we grow out of childhood stories and ways of thinking, many of us unknowingly keep attitudes that contribute to damaging relationships. Marriages deteriorate and adult children become estranged.

In the next few posts, I’ll focus on one attitude trap at a time and give examples. I’ll include how to be aware and avoid it along with suggestions for ways to begin repair in relationships that matter.

Here’s 5 attitude traps that destroy relationships.

  1. Attitude of entitlement

  2. Attitude of being the only truth-bearer

  3. Attitude of disregard

  4. Attitude of control

  5. Attitude of being the victim

Attitudes of entitlement come in different forms and relationships. Here’s a few extreme examples.

  • “I have every right to tell you what to do because I’m your mother,” a 90 year-old woman says to her 70 year-old son.
  • “I deserve to have sex with you. It’s been three days!” an angry husband says to his wife.
  • “I work hard for an income. I don’t have to tell you I’m buying a new car,” a spouse tells her husband.
  • “If they were my children, I would. . .” a mother-in-law says to her daughter-in-law.

These may be severe illustrations for some and common for others. The point is this. Attitudes of entitlement are the opposite of loving relationships.

Entitlement means one has rights to certain benefits.

As American citizens, we are all aware of having certain and unalienable rights living in the United States. With other roles like employment, we have rights to receive a paycheck. When entering into an agreement such as marriage, we have rights to love, honor, and cherish our spouse.

Continual attitudes of entitlement through personal relationship interactions tear down and disregard the humanity of a spouse. It disrespects the ability of a young mom. It crushes the confidence of an adult child.

The opposite of entitlement is gratitude.

Even as a US citizen or an employee or a spouse, being grateful for the privilege of these roles makes life easier. It draws others into partnership. It invites connection.

An attitude of belief in another, and thankfulness may look like this:

  • For the elderly mother toward her son. “I respect your decisions. I believe in you. I’m proud of the man you are. You have what it takes.”
  • For the sexually frustrated husband toward his wife, “Honey, what do you need from me? How can I be a more loving husband to you?” (By the way, I’ve never known a woman to be drawn to making love with an angry husband.)
  • For the spouse who wants a new car, “I value your opinion. The money I earn is ours. You’re just as important in this decision as I am.”
  • For the mother-in-law toward her daughter-in-law, “You’re a great mom. My grandchildren are so blessed to have you as their mother. You’re doing a great job.”

Attitude of gratitude makes life full and nurtures relationships.

To avoid a “Polyanna” way of thinking, we recognize those in extremely difficult situations. Attitudes of gratitude may seem artificial and unrealistic.

Recognize that change is a process. Ways of thinking and believing are challenging. It may take years of practice toward gratitude to begin making a difference toward healing in a relationship.

Be encouraged that relationships are always changing. Growing out of an entitlement attitude can get us off the merry-go-round of the “happily ever after” fantasy.

I’m reminded of  the truth of Scripture “in everything give thanks. . .” (I Thessalonians 5:18)

Next week, I’ll share about how the attitude of being the only truth-bearer contributes to destroying meaningful relationships.

Join the conversation by posting below!

3 Myths about Emotions

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I grew up in a denomination where it was normal for preachers or evangelists to plead and whine and show passionate anger through their hell, fire, and brimstone messages of salvation. Doubt and fear were common motivators for going to the altar to get saved. To add confusion to the mix, we were taught that emotions had no validation in the salvation experience!

A famous train illustration with the caboose and smoke stack from the engine shows the irrelevance of feelings in our faith experiences. Many of us are taught to believe our emotions are in opposition to Scriptural principles. We must ignore them in our lives and others to live a life of faith.

The message is that calm feelings during life’s hardships reflects faith, but depression, anxiety, fear or sadness represents sin and distrust. We were taught to separate faith from feelings.

How many of us remember hearing parental commands like this? Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about? Some of us experience our spouses saying, If you let emotions get in the way, I’ll stop talking.

Here are 3 myths about emotions that many of us have believed as gospel truth.

Myth # 1 Emotions are unnecessary.

Myth # 2 Emotions are not part of our relationship with God.

Myth # 3 Undesirable emotions such as sadness, fear, or anger show weakness.

Realize that feelings are a part of God’s design for our humanity. He meets us through the emotions that point to deeper places of our souls awaiting His transformation. We are meant to tune into our emotions and pay attention to “our gut.” They are part of who we are and how we relate to others.

In his book, The God-Shaped Brain, Dr. Tim Jennings, addresses how our distorted views of an angry and revengeful God interferes with our mental well-being. Although none of us have a corner on all truth about neuroscience and Scripture, we now have understanding that supports mental and emotional well-being with growing beliefs of a personal God of love.

With all I’m taking in from my research of Scripture, my understanding of neuroscience, and many experiences in the counseling room, I was so excited for a lighthearted date with my husband and friends last weekend. We watched the new Disney Pixar movie, Inside Out.

In preparation we reviewed the official trailer and several Youtube scenes of the movie. I gained expectations knowing the director’s efforts of having a team of psychiatrists, psychologists, and neuroresearchers in it’s development. I wholeheartedly recommend this movie for every counselor, minister, and parent! It was so worth our big bucket of popcorn, movie tickets, and emotions it evoked.

The little girl Riley, represented us all in our humanity showing the five little people in her head, Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust. In her growing adolescence and her family’s move across the country, the movie depicts the dialogue and actions of the personable little characters representing her emotions.

Watching this movie potentially touches us on several levels –

  • from our own awareness of personal growth,
  • to our understanding of relationships,
  • to our cooperation with the loving God who designed us.

For parents of adolescent children it brings compassion to the necessary stages of moodiness and anger that launch teens toward adulthood.

For parents of adult children, it helps us grieve and accept the loss of childhood beliefs. The movie values necessary emotional pathways toward responsible adulthood.

Personal and Spiritual Growth 

Our own humanity reflecting God’s image through every part of our being is designed to grow, and change, and develop. Our emotions are necessary. Emotions are part of our salvation experiences and spiritual journeys. Positive emotions like joy and happiness are no less or more valid than sadness or depression. They each have their purpose in our transformation throughout life.

Questions to Ponder

How has a period of sadness brought growth in your life?

What insights do you have to share?

How has this article touched you?