3 Tips to Attract Ideal Clients Every Mental Health Professional Needs

There’s no doubt that every Mental Health Professional starts out with a whole lot of questions, especially at the beginning. The problem is, many experience burnout and stress by being a “general practitioner.” They take on cases that drain their energy. It might be the insurance industry, or just thinking they need to fill up their hours. Rather than submit to systems that feel too enclosed, many just throw up their hands and give up. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Here are 3 tips to attract ideal clients every mental health professional needs. These three tips will help you breathe fresh A.I.R. into your profession. They are Awareness, Intentionality, and Risks.

Tip #1: Awareness of what drains or energizes you

After reading the book, “Getting the Love you Want” by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelley Hunt, I was curious about Imago Therapy. Then, I spent a weekend assisting another seasoned Imago Relationship Therapist. It was my first exposure to this particular modality. I felt energized in seeing couples transform from conflict to connection. While facing my own insecurities, I was drawn to get more training and become certified. The following exerpt is included in my book “Beyond Messy Relationships.” I pondered the words of my spiritual director, Dr. David G. Benner.

We talked about my growing counseling practice. I felt both unsettled and drawn to counseling couples. But how would pastors or prospective clients trust me as a couple’s counselor since I was divorced?

He said something like this: “Judy, allow your counseling practice to grow out of your being. Remember you are a human being. Don’t get caught up in living as a ‘human doing.’ Let your counseling reflect your grounding in truth. Remember that you are a person rather than a theology.”

You can count on there being seasons of transitions and change throughout your counseling career. Especially now while we are all facing the effect of the pandemic, it’s vital to know what is draining and what is energizing. This profession requires acute self-awareness. We must be attuned to our needs as Mental Health professionals.

Remember you are a human being. Don’t get caught up in living as a ‘human doing.’ Click To Tweet

Expect days in which you wonder why you entered this field in the first place. And other days may feel like “holy ground.” Of course, we have “normal” days in which neither extreme happens. But of course, we strive to make space for those “aha” life-affirming transitions.

Given our continual awareness, this leads to tip # 2. Intentionally envision your ideal practice.

Tip #2: Intentionally envision your ideal practice

Without a vision, we are sure to remain stuck doing the same therapy year after year. We work with the same type of clients because insurance dictates our client load. As a result, we put ourselves at risk for negativity, cynicism, and stress.

But just as we plan for vacations with a specific destination in mind, we need to envision our ideal counseling practice. It’s vital that we evolve, learn, and innovate ourselves professionally.

So many of us become isolated even in group practices. Without awareness, we stay in our comfort zone with those we’ve known for years. We go to the same conferences for our CEU’s.

It’s vital that we evolve, learn, and innovate ourselves professionally. Click To Tweet

Here’s a couple of conferences I’ve recently learned about.

Not So Typical Psychotherapist Summit
Therapy Reimagined 2020

It’s extremely important to build relationships and grow our perspectives with other mental health professionals. Given our continual awareness and intentional vision, this leads to tip # 3. Risk growing your services.

Tip #3: Risk growing your services

In the last few short months, because of the pandemic, we have learned how to do therapy online via telemental health. It’s made our services either more challenging, exciting, or somewhere in-between.

Many therapists have felt overwhelming stress and tried to be available to all in need. But to do so is to put ourselves at risk for burnout.

It’s time now to think outside the four walls of our counseling practices. Recently I presented a workshop on “How to Facilitate Group Empathy Using Communologue.”  And I connected with other therapists online.

It’s a challenge to change, of course. But our time is valuable and the needs are great. As a result, it’s so necessary to integrate what you love to do as an added service in your practice. For example, I created a Facebook group for “Vibrantly Authentic Therapists.”

It will amaze you at how much you’ll nurture your own soul while attracting ideal clients. So whether you’re just starting out, or you’re a seasoned therapist, it’s vital that you breathe fresh A.I.R. Awareness, Intentionality, and Risks.

Your next step

 

How to Manage COVID feelings on Mother’s Day

 

I’m sure all of us are feeling a range of emotions while in the midst of this pandemic. In addition to that, it’s rather painful to think of how to manage COVID feelings on Mother’s Day. “COVID feelings?” Yes, we might as well categorize our highs and lows as “COVID feelings.”

After all, most of us mental health therapists put labels on everything else. If we can label it, that seems to help us get through it. Or if we can categorize it, then we can bring some order to it. If we can bring order to our COVID feelings, we can then move through them.

In a previous blog article, I mention that Mother’s day  can bring many highs and lows anyway. But it can be especially challenging during COVID19 while in physical distancing mode. It’s another reminder of the hugs we won’t get. As we experience all of our humanity on such a sacred day, there’s three keys of awareness that help us manage those COVID feelings.

Mother's day can be especially challenging during COVID19 while in physical distancing mode. Click To Tweet

Awareness #1 – Feel your COVID feelings

Here’s some common concerns I hear from clients. These phrases go something like this.

I’m afraid that if I start crying, I won’t be able to stop.

I just don’t think about it because I won’t be able to stop the dark feelings.

On the other hand, when the stories and feelings come out of hibernation, there’s relief. I help clients get a sense of emotional grounding while facing what they’ve avoided for years. For many, it’s a huge relief. They have proven to themselves that they are bigger than their emotions. And it’s true, that we all are more than our painful pasts.

Awareness #2 – Name Your COVID feelings

Since the beginning of recorded history, mankind has labeled and categorized everything. After all, God gave Adam the job of naming the animals and giving him dominion over creation. And that’s what sets us apart as human beings.

The message here is that we are bigger than our emotions. We are not anger or depression or anxiety. Rather, our humanity includes emotions that are supposed to be felt. They were not designed to identify us or to rule over us.

We are bigger than our emotions. And they are temporary messengers to our souls. Click To Tweet

On the other hand, they are messengers to our souls. They have purpose. And that’s why it’s vital that we don’t ignore them. In addition, we need to recognize their purpose and allow them to move.

Awareness #3 – Honor Your COVID feelings

In chapter 25 of Beyond Messy Relationships, I use the analogy of emotions as being temporary guests to our souls. They were not meant to be permanent residents. Here’s an excerpt:

Of all the emotions we identify as temporary guests, sadness is the most lingering. Psychologist and researcher Joseph Forgas tells us that mild sadness improves memory, judgment, and motivation. It can help us be more compassionate and reach out to those in need. The longevity of most emotions is ninety seconds. . . .

Again, we must allow all emotions to cycle through our hearts. Our task is to keep them from becoming permanent guests. . . Instead, we need to allow the wisdom those difficult feelings provide. And it’s true that God never wastes any of our pain. Without it, we miss our authentic selves.

Final thoughts for COVID feelings on Mother’s Day

Even though we’re in physical distancing mode. And we will miss the hugs of our mothers, and daughters and sons and family. And of course we’ll feel many of those temporary messengers of our souls. Let’s all raise our awareness of feeling, naming, and honoring our “COVID feelings.” After all, we’re acknowledging our full humanity on such a sacred time as Mother’s Day.

As we feel our COVID emotions, we're acknowledging our full humanity on such a sacred time as Mother's Day. Click To Tweet

Your Next Step:

Now is the time to get two copies of Beyond Messy Relationships. Buy one and get one free to give to your mother.

Unsplash Photo by Hans Vivek 

State of your marriage

How to Know the State of Your Marriage

When my husband and I attended his 45th High School Reunion, there were a handful of couples who had been married over forty years! I was curious about the secret to their success. Of course, I want wisdom for my marriage. And I want to help others with “how to know the state of your marriage.” Beyond my clinical knowledge and experience, this was a perfect time to ask. Besides, my husband knew these couples since adolescence. And it was the best environment outside my counseling office to get insight.

40-year Marriage Testimonies:

“We’ve been through a lot. And we have some major differences. But when we go hiking, all those differences fade. We appreciate each other’s strengths and weaknesses.”

“I don’t know why it’s worked for us. I guess we’ve been blessed. My spouse is my best friend.”

Of course, not all long-term marriages show a comfortable partnership. Some couples look worn down and admit they’ve lived like room-mates.

We all go through seasons or years of unhappiness or dysfunction. That’s why I steer away from the term, “happy marriage.” It’s more valuable to work toward a growing marriage. And that was my takeaway after listening to the couples at the reunion.

It's more valuable to work toward a growing marriage rather than a happy marriage. We can all choose to grow through temporary feelings and seasons. Click To Tweet

We can categorize marriage as Dr. John Gottman, does who is world-renowned for his research on marital stability. We’re showing up in our relationships as either the “masters” or the “disasters.” In other words, those who grow beyond their marital messes are the “masters.” Those who get stuck are the “disasters.” Certain behaviors and attitudes put us heading in one direction or the other. You can find more about this in my book, Beyond Messy Marriages.

Know the State of Your Marriage By What Direction You’re Heading

Remember geometry class? Imagine a horizontal line with arrows on either end. Anyone of us can be an “x” on a continuum line facing either right decisions on one end or wrong decisions on the other. This idea helps us see the fluidity of our choices. We can change our dance (relationship) patterns. Imagine that same horizontal line with an “x” represents our marriages. Are we heading in the direction of the “masters” or the “disasters?” In other words, we can which way we’re heading with the smallest of decisions.

Our lives and relationships are never static even though we feel stuck. Click To Tweet

Know the State of Your Marriage By Adjusting to Perpetual Conflicts

Gottman’s research challenges how therapists help or hinder couples they work with. For example, we shouldn’t focus solely on conflict resolution skills. The reason is that 69% of conflict in our relationships are perpetual. They have no resolve. The couples I spoke with at the reunion validated these findings.

So you could divorce one spouse and marry another. But you will experience a different set of perpetual conflicts. They’re likely to add up to the same percentage as the old marriage. The wisdom here is for couples to learn how to solve the 31% of conflicts that are resolvable. And grow through accepting the rest.

Know The State of Your Marriage By Resolving Resolvable Conflicts

We can learn to grow through, adapt, and even appreciate the remaining perpetual 69%. Unless, of course, part of that 69% dishonors the dignity, value, and worthiness of either spouse.

My husband’s old friends became my new friends while at the high school reunion. Those long-term married folks validated the premise of my book. Those who are open and willing to respect differences were clearly among the “masters.”

Your Next Step

Limited-time Valentine’s Special – Buy One and Get One Free: Author-Signed Copy of Beyond Messy Relationships

Feature Photo by Matthew Bennett on Unsplash

How Long Does it Take to Improve Your Marriage?

When it comes to couples counseling, we all want to know how much time, energy, and money it will take to improve. A common question is: How long does it take to improve your marriage? But what they’re really asking is “How long will it take for us to get the momentum we need once we come to counseling?

To improve, it takes a lifetime

Our friends who’ve been married for more than forty years tell me they’ve had several different marriages. And they also say they are different spouses than they were when they said, “I do.” In essence, they’ve been married to several different people, even though it’s the two of them.

All stages of marriages open up dimensions of our journey that we couldn’t imagine before. And each transition moves us into a “different” marriage. Most of us began with a lustful romance. Then we build careers and have children. We settle into an ebb and flow of adjustments. At every turn we have opportunities to grow and grow up. Each juncture is a choice to become aware and intentional.

Our challenge is to risk vulnerability and intimacy with ourselves and our spouse. Click To Tweet

It’s common to become misaligned when one spouse grows while the other doesn’t. But changes are inevitable. And we need to grow beyond messy relationships and marriages. Our challenge is to risk being vulnerable.

To get short-term help, it takes categories

Couples who seek counseling usually fall into one of three categories. They are: crisis mode, control mode, or construction mode.

Crisis Mode

The first is crisis mode. One or both believe that therapy is the last resort. If it doesn’t work, one or the other has made plans for a catastrophic exit like divorce.

Just to be clear, crisis mode is not the same as counseling. Most couples on the verge of divorce need additional help to get them out of crisis mode. And to clarify, a marital crisis is not the same as a mental health crisis.

In addition, couples’ work is not appropriate for those hiding affairs. Nor is it feasible for those with severe addictions, depression, or mania. Rather, it’s absolutely crucial to get out of crisis mode and assess the damage before counseling can begin.

Some therapists are more skilled than others in handling crisis cases. But do not assume that crisis management is the same as counseling.

Unfortunately, some claim that couples counseling leads to divorce. But they don’t take into account that crisis management and counseling are different. Also, some counselors have more training than others to assess for emotional and verbal abuse within the relationship. Ignoring these and other crucial factors make couples counseling ineffective.

Couples counseling is not appropriate if certain other issues interfere. Rather, it causes more damage to both individuals if underlying manipulation, secrecy, fear, or a mental health crisis is going on.

Control Mode

The second major category is the control mode. One feels the need for change and the other doesn’t. Neither wants to divorce, but if they don’t get help, one is sure the marriage is heading in that direction. An undercurrent agenda of “social engineering” prevails. Social engineering is a term I use for our unconscious tendency to control others. The control mode is where one person wants the comfort of sameness while the other needs change.

Construction Mode

The last major category is construction mode. Premarital or newlywed couples come in to make sure they’re on the right track. Transitions such as parenthood, empty-nest, or blended families fall in this category. They both want to build healthy and growing partnership habits. They want to be proactive.

It’s always wise to establish the counselor/client relationship before you need one. Think of how we want to be established with a primary care physician. When issues arise, we have familiarity and trust of the counselor and therapy process.

To grow, it takes change

None of us wants to talk about the “D” word. Whether that “D” means death or divorce, it’s a subject we avoid. But if we don’t face endings, we’re unable to become unstuck from our relationship messes.

What’s important is to honor the worth, value, and dignity of both individuals in a relationship. To get beyond the messiness, it may be time to realize an old marriage is not working anymore. It needs to change.

Think of changes as a divorce from toxic patterns, reactions, and unhealthy dances. We need to say goodbye to the old and hello to different ways of being. Otherwise, the commitment to a destructive marriage degrades both individuals. Long-term toxic patterns in relationships account for stress-related illness or even premature death.

To get beyond the messiness, it may be time to realize an old marriage is not working anymore. It needs to change. Click To Tweet

How long does it take to improve your marriage? It’s a life-time of growth throughout the categories and stages that marriage can provide. And the right counselor can show us how in addition to couples who are doing it.

Your next step

Buy One Get One Free for “Beyond Messy Relationships” book.

Photo by Taras Lazer from Pixabay

How to Be Your Authentic Self in a Difficult Marriage

Many prospective clients are unsure of whether they need individual or marriage counseling. Some have told me they don’t know themselves within their marriages. It’s a common complaint from those who have been married for decades. I must say, I hear it most from women in the “empty nest” stage of life. As a result, here’s how to be your authentic self in a difficult marriage.

First of all, we need to identify our terms. 1. Difficult marriage and 2. Authentic self.

What is a Difficult Marriage?

There is a difference between “difficult” and “destructive” marriages. In addition, different seasons of marriage will manifest in ways that make us question whether or not we are in a toxic relationship. We question what is normal difficulty verses destructive difficulty.

For example, it’s “normal” for marital satisfaction to decrease within the first year of having a baby. New adjustments and roles are being established. A couple transitions from being husband and wife to mom and dad. They are discovering new roles and identities.

Think of “healthy difficulties” as revealing core values with accompanying ways to grow and grow up. Our thoughts, beliefs, and reasonings are designed to mature. Remaining stuck in an earlier mode of life can groom a marriage to become destructive.

One way to know if you are growing is to ask yourself. “What would I say to my younger self?” If you’re in your 50’s and you still think like a 22 year old, there’s a problem.

Drs. John and Julie Gottman identify four horsemen as predictors of divorce. They are:

  1. Accusation
  2. Defensiveness
  3. Stonewalling
  4. Contempt

Throughout my years of counseling couples, I now identify a fifth horsemen. That is isolation. I describe more about this in my book, “Beyond Messy Relationships.”

Remaining stuck in an earlier mode of life can groom a marriage to become destructive. Click To Tweet

Now, let’s define the “authentic self.”

What is the Authentic Self?

This seems more like a philosophical question with various dimensions. For the sake of this article, let’s think of authenticity as the true self. My conservative Christian upbringing made me think that the self is selfish and needs to die. But I believe the “false self” is the ego-centric selfish part that we need to shed. It includes false beliefs, arrogance, manipulation and a host of other malices.

On the other hand, our authentic self is who God designed us to be. It includes our giftedness and a filling of our souls with forgiveness, love, joy, peace, and patience. And of course, authenticity emerges through our human struggles in ways we can become clear about our dignity, value, and worthiness. We are able to accept both our depravity and dignity and know that we’re deeply loved.

How to Be Your Authentic Self Through Difficulties

Of course, we are on a courageous journey toward our authentic self. As a result, the difficulties in our marriages give us these three necessary ingredients for this first stage of awareness.

Awareness of Perspective

Our brains are designed with “mirror neurons.” Here’s an excerpt from chapter 20 of “Beyond Messy Relationships.”

Our mirror neurons trigger reciprocal interactions in relationships. When we smile at babies, they smile back at us. When others are kind to us, we’re kind to them. If we think negative thoughts without verbalizing, the mirror neurons of others sense the tension. Of course, we can’t read each other’s minds. But we can be aware of how mirror neurons pick up “metacommunications.” Nonverbal messages include body language, muscle tension in the face, gestures, and even dilation in our eyes.

Think of your marriage as a mirror reflecting what’s impossible for you to see on your own. If you and your spouse are flat mirrors to each other, you’re able to respect and love each other in spite of the other’s quirks, irritations, and character flaws. Rather than attitudes of judgement, you’ll reflect the good will of the other. It’s opportunity for growing our character and becoming more aware.

On the other hand, if one spouse reflects a distorted mirror to the other, then we get unrealistic views of ourselves. For example, critical attitudes, put-downs, and shaming give us a concentrated negative view of ourselves. Our authentic self is assaulted and we believe we’re not worthy. Remember the mirrors at amusement parks?

Awareness of Power

No one knows your needs better than you. This includes physical, emotional, spiritual and mental needs. Don’t expect your spouse to do for you what only you can do for yourself. In other words, you are responsible for being your own advocate.

It’s important to emphasis that self care is never selfish. Even if others accuse you of being so. Again, no one can feel your emotions or think your thoughts. We need to let go of unrealistic expectations and people-pleasing “black holes.”

No one knows your needs better than you. . . .Don't expect your spouse to do for you what only you can do for yourself. Click To Tweet

Learn to trust your body and your heart. This is a God-given responsibility. We cannot do for others what only we can do for ourselves. Too many women especially, take on too much.

Awareness of Purpose

When we grow in our perspective and begin to shed the “false self,” our purpose becomes more clear.

Of course, whether your marriage is “difficult” or “destructive,” don’t hesitate to surround yourself with flat mirrored friendships. It may begin with an individual counseling session. Or you may want to confide to a trust-worthy friend.

Whether you’re seeking individual or marriage counseling, keep in mind that your authentic self if worth the journey.

Your Next Steps. . .

Share this article with your spouse or a trusted friend and begin the dialogue

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