Just add hot water” it says on the package of the strawberries and cream instant oatmeal. When I need to get out the door and want a quick breakfast, it’s there, ready and fills my hunger.

When it comes to hunger in relationships, “just add hot water” will do the opposite.

It’s instant. A certain look can trigger it. Add a negative attitude. Mix in a critical remark and bam!

In the previous post we identified criticism as the first of four horsemen. Now, we look at defensiveness.

Spouse reacts to critical remark. “I can’t believe you said that. I’ve worked hard all week. I’m the one who takes the kids to soccer practice. You can do your own wash. . .”

Blood pressure rises, face gets stern, volume increases, and voice intensifies.

Horseman # 2 Defensiveness 

We all do it in some form or another. We react to criticism.  The fight, flight, or freeze part of the brain kicks in. In an instant, we react with defensiveness which can be verbal or not. Intimidating looks do the trick.  

• We expect to be heard and understood.
• We expect to be appreciated.
• We expect to live in a world that’s right and fair.
• We expect marriage to be 50/50.

There are differences between occasional irritations with a spouse and chronic emotional abuse.

For now, let’s address the minor of the two, although be aware that verbal, mental and emotional abuse grows out of the four Horsemen’s recurring presence.

Angel of Acceptance # 2 – Openness

Although the first two horsemen  (Criticism and Defensiveness) are instant intruders, the Angel of Acceptance (Openness) is gentle and slow.

Every one of us live in our own experiences and perspectives. Marital growth depends on our ability to understand the perspective of another.  

When we expect our spouses to have divine qualities, and they show up as humans with flaws, we’re faced with our own illusions.

It may sound simplistic, but they can’t read our minds. Nor do they respond how we need for them to. And they get tired, and hungry. They may or may not have developed the coping skills we expect. We focus on their negative traits.

Openness will drive the Horseman of Defensiveness away. He’ll have no reason to stick around.  Openness is willing to take in several deep breaths and slow down. 

Openness will reflect on statements like:

• This criticism is not about me.
• My spouse is a human being, not God.
• How can I grow through this experience?
• How can I communicate my needs graciously?

In the next post I’ll address the third of the Four Horsemen and Angel of Acceptance. For now, join the conversation.

Questions to Ponder

Which of the above statements would you like to focus on?

How have you grown toward openness in your marriage?

How would taking deep breaths and slowing down be helpful in your relationships?