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3 Questions to Get Unstuck

3 Questions To Get Unstuck

For the last few weeks I’ve had workers coming and going. You see, I live in a 1970’s home and just got my bathroom renovated! It’s amazing how updating one room can make such a huge difference! It made me realize our need for change and I thought of a series of 3 questions to get unstuck.

Comparison Question

Do you ever think about what needs renovating in your home, your relationships, or your life? Are you still thinking, believing, and relating like you did years ago?

Ask yourself: “Are my relationships, or is my marriage, stuck in the 1970s, 1980s, 1990s, or even in this decade? After years of wear and tear, it’s now dreary and ugly. In other words, is it time to renovate, change, and update what used to be vibrant and beautiful?

Are you still thinking, believing, and relating like you did years ago? Click To Tweet

It’s strange how some people can spend money on updating rooms in their homes, but don’t even consider spending money on their self care. While people are consumed with re-designing their homes or even getting a new vehicle, their mental health and relationships get run down. As a result, families fall apart, teenagers get lost, and marriages become toxic.

Compassionate Question

Your self-care is far from being selfish. It’s just the opposite. Your growth and resilience is the greatest gift that you could possibly give to your loved ones. Rather than trying to get them to change, be intentional to put energy into being the best you! It’s time to see yourself as beloved and worthy of investment.

What worked years ago is no longer serving you. And it’s absolutely vital that you care for you because it’s a full time job! Ask yourself a compassionate question. “How can I invest in myself and be a good steward of what God has given me? How can I nurture my soul in order to spread life-giving love to others?”

Rather than trying to get them to change, be intentional to put energy into being the best you! Click To Tweet

We all co-create the messes in our relationships, but we’re just not aware of our part. Or, we fear our own growth will highlight the dysfunction and toxic patterns. Some of us have avoided what we know in our hearts. Yet, if we stay busy or unaware, we convince ourselves that now is not the time to take risks of growth.

Decision Question

If you resonate with this, I invite you to do the next right thing. What are you drawn to do right now? Maybe it’s reading or listening to my book, “Beyond Messy Relationships and working through the resources. Or, it might be watching this YouTube video: Divine Invitations to Your Authentic Self.

Or, you may be drawn to knowing what the Relationship Resilience Group is all about. Your next right step might be to record a question on the “Ask Judy” red tab on the side of this page. Then you can tune in at noon on weekdays or catch the replays for Facebook Live.

If you’ve been putting off making a counseling appointment, your next right step is to register. My new intern, Mandy Boerema, may be a great fit for you after an initial session with me.

Your Next Right Step

You may not need a room renovated in your home. But, for sure, your life is SO worthy to be loved and cared for. Your vibrant and authentic self is waiting for your next right step!

Photo by KJ Styles on Unsplash

Three Mistakes to Avoid in the New Year.

Many of us feel relief with the start of 2020. And it’s not only a New Year, but a new decade! To start out right, there’s three mistakes to avoid in the New Year. Maybe you’re like many leaders I know who reflect and write down their goals. Or, you might be relieved to just say “good-bye” to 2019.

Wherever you are, all of us want to start the year out right. And of course, we want to avoid mistakes.

Here’s three mistakes to avoid in the New Year. Those include: ignoring regrets, ignoring accomplishments, and ignoring vision.

Mistake # 1 – Ignoring Regrets

As much as we try to admit that we don’t have regrets, really, all of us do.

My writing coach, Marion Roach Smith said to me several times, “Judy, it’s not what you did. It’s what you did with it.” This wise advice was more than therapy to me as I wrote my memoir, Beyond Messy Relationships.

A universal part of our humanity is both the light and shadows of our authentic selves. When we don’t admit our “shadows” (which includes poor choices, judgements, and regrets) we will subconsciously be driven by them. In other words, we’ll easily judge others because we clearly see their “shadows.” But we’re blinded by our own. And those closest to us are mirrors to the blind spots in our lives. When they reflect our “shadows”, we get reactive.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. — George Santayana Click To Tweet

What do we do with our regrets instead? After all, none of us like the feelings that come when facing them.

1. Examine life lessons.

There’s purpose in all our human struggles. Our lives are worthy of examining. The “bad” feelings are temporary messengers to the soul. I believe it’s God’s way of showing us how to live a full and abundant life. Let’s listen to the feelings of our humaness.

None of our feelings are designed to be permanent. They’re meant to flow with the rhythm of life. Plus there’s life lessons waiting to be discovered.

2. Extract the learning.

The messiness of life helps us discover our values and need for growth. There are patterns. A good way to notice patterns of our messiness is through journal-writing. Writing our experiences, thoughts, and feelings brings clarity.

Fresh learning comes through admitting the regrets. Then we can experience the feelings and messages we need for wisdom. The journey through our past wasn’t meant to be forgotten. Our life experiences have meaning and valuable lessons for us.

Mistake # 2 – Ignoring Accomplishments

It doesn’t matter if you’re a high-achiever, or you’ve endured a season of darkness in 2019. Rather, it’s vital that you don’t ignore your accomplishments. It’s common for my clients (or any of us) to be the last to notice our own growth.

Why is that? I’m glad you asked. It’s likely a combination of these four factors.

1. We focus on comparing ourselves with others.
2. We all have blind spots that keep us from seeing what others see in us.
3. Those closest to us focus on what we’ve not done.
4. The negative harsh critic in our heads convinces us to ignore accomplishments. By the way, the human brain has a natural negative bias.

Here’s how we can shift to acknowledge accomplishments.

It’s important to hang out with friends who know us well enough to show us our resilience and bravery. When we don’t have a positive social network, the right therapist can realistically bring affirmation, honor the struggle, and enlighten us.

The lessons of 2019 are catalysts for transformation in 2020. Click To Tweet

Mistake # 3 – Ignoring Vision

Last year, I took the time to find pictures and create a “vision board.” One was a picture of my book, Beyond Messy Relationships. Another was of me and my husband looking lovingly into each other’s eyes. I posted those and other pictures on my computer screen and planners. They were daily reminders of what I wanted 2019 to be.

Our choice of focus makes a difference. We all have God-given imaginations that are powerful. Guided meditations can be positive affirmations for our mental health and well-being.

How do we get a vision that’s bigger than our reality right now?

1. Expand the imagination of our ideal life.

In the book, Living Forward, authors Hyatt and Harkavy give us structure for creating a life plan. There’s more resources to expand the imagination and intentionally plan for 2020.

2. Experience communities and friendships that honor our growth.

We’re like the five people we hang out with the most. Take inventory of the quality of relationships you have now. Be intentional to nurture yourself and others through positive groups, mentors and friends.

3. Explore what you do best.

Our self awareness increases through relationships. Be intentional to allow relationships to reveal your giftedness and talents. Dan Miller’s weekly Eagerprenuer Mastermind group helped me envision what’s possible. My mentor, Shannon Ethridge, continues to enlighten me in ways I’m unable to see on my own.

As for me, I’m thankful that my book became top finalist for Best Memoir with Author Academy Awards. Although, 2019, I do regret being so scattered, and disorganized without a clearer plan for getting this powerful message out more. Yet, these experiences have given me a clearer vision and purpose for 2020.

Now that 2020 has begun, it’s time for all of us to move forward and avoid the mistakes. Instead, be willing to gain life lessons, envision accomplishments, and envision your best year ever.

And don’t ever forget that your life is valuable and worthy of living well. In addition, your past doesn’t define you. Instead, it has wisdom for you. And most of all, you can be better than ever in 2020 as we start a new year and a new decade.

Your Next Steps . . .

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