Father's Day

Father’s Day–5 Things Dad Should Know

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I cried when I read the words my uncle Ken recently wrote as the foreword to my soon to be published e-book, Relationship Dignity Manifesto. It seemed the message became deeper as I read his account of my dad who died at the young age of 28. Many Father’s Days have come and gone since my early childhood grief. I dedicate this post in memory of William C. Welch, my dad.

Baby Boomers Remember

Many of us Baby Boomers can still sing the words to Harry Chapin’s song, The Cats in the Cradle. A Nissan commercial debuted during Super Bowl in 2015 combined the 1974 classic with a series of short video images resurrecting deep emotions for those of us tuned in.

Attention grabbing images show the joyful birth of a newborn son growing through stages of childhood and adolescence. Moody teenager, absent dad, worried mom, and dad’s accident on the racetrack fit the lyrics. The little boy is left wondering when his dad is coming home. Dad kept promising later.

All ends well in ninety seconds with the connection of a loving dad and understanding son smiling at each other driving off in a new Nissan.

The messages portrayed are: Life is valuable. Relationships are resilient. Teenagers understand. New Nissans satisfy and are safe. Yes, we can connect with those messages. . . or can we?

Generational Patterns

Chapin’s lyrics express regret of an older dad who missed out on the seasons of his young son’s life. Business trips and career-building were stronger messages than the ten year-old’s voice, who thanked his dad for the ball and asked him to play. Dad responded again, with another excuse. He had other things to do.

Dads who parent well, take the time to tune into the lives and emotions of their sons and daughters. They are able to put their smaller agendas aside. They are able to see a larger perspective. They are not only raising small children and moody teenagers; they are raising future husbands and wives; dads and moms.

Five things every dad needs to know.

Here are factors that give perspective for wise fathering.

1. Know your own history well. Admit and grieve your childhood gaps.

Take time to remember and make sense of your past. Be courageous to face the loss and pain of childhood. Unclaimed resentment, anger, and bitterness may have settled in your soul like a clogged up drain. Feel what needs to be felt. Forgive what needs to be forgiven. Move past the residue of the past. Put it in it’s proper meaning and place.

2. Be aware of generational patterns in your family tree.

Rather than criticizing extended family members, take time to hear their stories. Examine the positive and negative traits passed down from your relatives. Be willing to own both your strengths and weaknesses. Be intentional about growing your character beyond what was passed onto you

3. Look for dads whose parenting you admire. 

We find what we look for. Be intentional about looking for role models; those who have raised their sons and daughters well. Look for those who have close connection and understanding with their teenagers or adult children. Spend time with these dads. Ask questions. Be vulnerable with them.

4. Respect the opinions of your children’s mother.

Keep in mind that mothers know and feel connections with their children. Many are natural at tuning into their needs. Talk through differences. Partner with your children’s mother. Seek outside counseling rather than settle into chronic disagreements. Protect your children from the insecurity of troubled parenting.

5. Respect the otherness of your children.

Children are are separate people, worthy of love, respect, and belonging. They are not objects to be controlled. They are not little versions of their parents. Tune into their hearts and their needs.

I thank Nissan for getting our attention. Perhaps they’ve sold many cars through their commercial. They have sold me on the opportunity to encourage dads to parent their sons and daughters well.

Questions to ponder

How aware are you of your personal history?

What generational traits have been passed down to you?

Who are your role models?

How has this post touched you?

Mother's Day

Mother’s Day Highs and Lows

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As we all celebrate Mother’s Day, let us pay attention to the high’s and low’s we experience as moms. May we be compassionate toward those who have unknown stories.

It can be a difficult day or just another day.

Regret, sadness, and secrecy hidden among the smiles and pleasantries. The stress of single parenting or the long-term resentful marriage make Mother’s Day a challenge for some. It shows up as an aching heart that seems as physical as a stopped up drain in the throat.

All we see is the outward appearance. We turn away from those who don’t smile back and totally misinterpret another’s stern face.

We don’t know the journey of another.

  • Mothers who lost their babies through abortion, miscarriage, still birth, or sudden infant death.
  • Mothers who’ve placed their newborns for adoption.
  • Mothers who experience rejection, unforgiveness, and estrangement from adult children.
  • Mothers whose child has an addiction, or whose children are torn from divorce.
  • Mothers whose children died through accident, suicide, or sickness.
  • Daughters whose mothers have passed on leaving a void no one else can fill.
  • Grandmothers who aren’t allowed relationship with grandchildren.

We see and relate or avoid and judge.

There’s a unknown story. Or there’s made up stories in our heads about others and ourselves.

We judge by our own limited understanding.

I recently re-read “Carry On Warrior” by Glennon Doyle Melton who’s become my hero and role model on several levels. She writes about the power of embracing your messy, beautiful life. Her term, brutiful  describes how our lives can be both brutal and beautiful.

I resonate with her as a writer, a mother, a wife, and a courageous woman speaking truth in love. She’s one of the most authentic authors I’ve read. Even a second reading (audio listening) of her book brought tears to my eyes. She encourages me to listen to my soul and recognize God’s spirit in others.

How her story makes sense to me. 

  1. We’re all beloved by God and our substance is divine.
  2. Some of her stories shed light on my own judgmental attitudes. I’ve had to repent of my boldness at confronting others and unknowingingly wounding them.
  3. I’m still working on listening and being open. It’s a life-long journey for me.

Whether joyful or dreadful on this day of celebration, let’s honor the untold stories of all mothers. Their lives matter. They’re life-givers, nurturers, and lovers. They’re wounded, guilt-ridden, and downtrodden. They’re worthy and lovable no matter what category they’re in.

Here’s my message to all mothers

You are a woman of dignity
You’re worthy to be loved and celebrated
You’re an overcomer
Your story matters

Carry On Warrior. Life is brutal and beautiful – as Glennon would say, brutiful.

Questions to Ponder

Who in your life honors your story?

What is one brave thing you can do to affirm your dignity?

Your Next Step: Get “Beyond Messy Relationships”

 

3 Basics of a Full Life

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In reflection of Easter Sunday, it’s worth taking time to slow down and ponder. Epic war movies such as “Saving Private Ryan” stir us to value our lives. Discovering three brothers had died within a week, the mission was to spare the fourth brother during World War II. The last scene shows Ryan as an old man at the grave of the sergeant who led the forces. Ryan turns to his wife for affirmation that he lived his life well.

We’re reminded of 3 basics of a full life.

Deep within our souls, we desire to live our lives well.

  1. Learn from the past

  2. Notice patterns

  3. Resurrect potential

Sunday afternoon I wanted a peaceful place to write; to hear God say, Come over here, Judy. I have something to show you. Instead, stacks of paper, to-do piles, and unfinished manuscripts were the opposite of what I wanted. Email and paper hoarding are huge struggles; considered as my “writing blocks.”

I almost tossed the old letter in the trash bag in my efforts to throw out clutter. It was a “Dear Lord” letter written at a crisis of discovery in my life from years ago.

I re-read old feelings of betrayal and shock. It was like an emotional earthquake then. A “trustworthy” co-worker betrayed me. The writing captured raw emotions and circumstances.

The outlet for the tormented neuropathways of my brain and desperation of my soul were there. Memories of crying out to God through that letter touched me in the “now” of my fresh reading.

Why go backwards and read such a thing?

Why did I even keep it? Why the mental energy to read it now? What is familiar? What is different? How is my reasoning now as I look into the heart of my younger self? 

Ah, I’m glad you asked!

I’m a therapist and a writer which requires insight in my own life as I counsel or write for others. Yes, I’m looking for connections and meaning. The Holy Spirit continues to invite me into the abundant life Christ died to give. Resurrection Sunday, life’s circumstances, relationships, and seasons are continual reminders of death, grief, new life, and celebrations.

Learn from the past

Our pain is never wasted, tears have meaning and our days are numbered. Click To Tweet Forgiveness is a journey. Deep emotions and traumatic experiences are temporary. They’re opportunities for meeting God in the raw places of our souls. Allow transformation to happen.

Notice patterns

Our brains are wired for patterns. How we related in our family of origins become templates for our adult relationships. If we notice the patterns, we can be intentional to change. We can’t change anything we’re clueless about. Journal writing is a great mirror of insight and self-awareness.

Resurrect potential

The value of looking back, learning, and being more aware helps free us for the new. Like pruning dead branches from Azalea bushes, we allow blooms to open to give hope for others. We model and experience newness. We head in the direction of the full life Christ meant for us.

As you reflect beyond Resurrection Sunday, be willing to reflect on the sacrifice and your worthiness: learn from the past, notice patterns, and embrace the fullness of your life.

Questions to Ponder

What lessons have you learned in your life?

What patterns have you noticed in your relationships?

What potential awaits you at this stage?

3 Secrets to Unexpected Change

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How to move beyond the brick walls of the unexpected.

  1. Move beyond first impressions.
  2. Lean into the good, bad, and ugly emotions.
  3. Surround yourself with cheerleaders.

If you’re like me, you could pinpoint a single incident that triggered a storm of unexpected change. You have thoughts of:

If only I’d done this or that.

If I were more attuned, then I would’ve . . .

It can’t be just me. . . and what’s really going on? Why didn’t I see this coming?

Whether it’s unresolved conflict with a boss or lasting negative impressions you knew nothing about, the decision for change wasn’t yours.

You felt left out of the equation. Attempts at resolve were like brick walls.

I needed at least a full eight months for my own mental shifts and emotional preparations. Time crunch. Holidays. Stress. Obligations. Family visits. Pressure. Overwhelming emotions. Fear. Worry. Risk. Eight weeks later.

Here are three things I’m learning (or re-learning):

Move beyond first impressions.

From finishing old business to meeting with new colleagues, I’m learning to be curious rather than judgemental. Isn’t it so natural to judge? Yes, there is a Judge who bears my name.

As my husband scouted out several office spaces, he saw a particular office that could be a right fit. He described the character of the historic building; the beautiful wood floors and tall ceiling. It’s just the right space to facilitate your small groups.

It would be the perfect space for me if it weren’t for the close-up brick wall view out the window.

I wasn’t open when he told me about the brick wall.

The massive window reached nearly to the top of the 15 foot ceiling. It’s width took up the entire wall of the room. The brick view was another building just a few feet away. No trees, no grass, no flowers, no feeling of the outdoors.

My husband said, You can see the sky when you look up.

I didn’t consider it. I didn’t even look.

Now, several weeks later, I’m settled into my new office at the Clearstory building. The brick wall view out my window now has new meaning.

Here’s what others have said after being in this space.

  • It’s perfect for a counselor’s office. . . No need for curtains on that window. The brick wall gives privacy, yet lets in the light.
  • It’s a metaphor. Our problems are like brick walls. You can’t see what’s on the other side, yet the blue sky is indication there IS another side.  
  • Awesome that you have a brick wall to look at through your window. You can enjoy the outdoors without the distractions of cars or people.

Lean into the good, bad, and ugly emotions.

Emotions are meant to be temporary guests in the home of our lives. Click To Tweet I’ve been a guest at a few airbnb‘s (an economical alternative to staying in a hotel). Most have been pleasant and others not so much. But all were temporary.

Treat all emotions as temporary guests rather than permanent residents. Both “unpleasant” and “pleasant” guests (good, bad, ugly emotions) are teachers. Anxiety, fear, and worry all have purpose. God designed us all to feel.

Pay attention to feelings and messages you may otherwise ignore.

Our experiences, decisions, and emotions in life reveal purposeful patterns. Pay attention to you how you’ve handled past changes. What have you learned about yourself? What have you learned from unexpected changes? 

The more I pay attention, the more clear I become.

Dignity in Relationships, a Life by Design has emerged through recent and past growth experiences in my life.  

Surround yourself with cheerleaders.

My virtual mentors, Michael Hyatt and Jeff Goins have been invaluable to me. Folks like Matt Wolf and Bradly Will helped get me started with online presence. Marvin Varghese and other therapist podcasters remind me of cheerleading mantras of my high school days.

Where there’s a will there’s a way, hey. 

I’ve grown since moving my practice and rebranding my services.

I’ve come to appreciate the entrepreneurial support in our city.

I’m thriving on the weekly group support and mentoring of Co-Lab and the Co-Starter program. Tennessee Small Business Development Center has provided me help through mentoring, counseling, and seminars.

Embrace the Brick Walls of Change

Now every time I walk into my office and see the brick wall window view, I’m reminded of three things.

Move beyond first impressions. Lean into the temporary guests of emotions. Surround yourself with cheerleaders.

Questions to Ponder

What unexpected change are you facing now?

What emotional guests have stayed too long?

Who are your cheerleaders?

 

 

How to Measure Healthy Relationships

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Many are confused on what makes healthy relationships. 

Most couples enter counseling with a lot of uncertainty. One is usually dragged in by the other. One says, We need help. The other says, We’re doing fine. . . We can work this out on our own. . .We’re not as bad off as you think.

As a relationship therapist, I recommend couples counseling before it gets to the we’re-not-as-bad-as-you-think argument. Most come in when it’s the last ditch effort to save the relationship.

Easy for a relationship therapist to say. When you’re IN the relationship, it’s difficult to know who’s more accurate than the other.

Tigers and Turtles choose each other

TigerPhotoIt’s common for one spouse to minimize and the other to maximize. I call it the “Turtle/Tiger” syndrome.

Turtles typically hide in their shells and avoid conflict or accuse their partners of blowing things out of proportion.

Tigers roar and persist until they are heard. Many times they DO see things worse than they are. Turtles DO see things “not as bad” as they really are.

We measure other things.  

Have you taken pride in managing your money well, then later found out a check bounced? Have you balanced the checkbook and then discovered you were spending more on eating out than you realized?

Have you believed you were eating well, then were surprised the scales registered 10 pounds more than expected? Have you written down everything you ate and saw you were taking in many more calories than you were actually burning?

TurtlePhoto

The Partnership Pattern chart

A great way to balance the check book of your marriage or relationship is keeping track of behaviors for a month at a time.

No need to write down what you eat here. All you have to do is observe, experience, and check off measurable items that are going on now in your relationship.

It can bring awareness about our own behaviors. Most folks don’t realize how they inadvertently ask for the negative behaviors they get from their spouse.

It’s true that you can’t control another person’s behaviors or attitudes. But you can invite the respect and love you long for.

Ideally, it’s great for both Tigers AND Turtles to participate.

But if the Turtle in your life is still hiding, you Tigers will have a great outlet for awareness of yourself and the relationship patterns. The idea is to check off what you experienced most in the relationship that day. Do it every day for one month and get a clear picture of what you need, whether it’s an enrichment weekend or crisis intervention.

Know where your relationship stands.  Sign up for your free Partnership Pattern chart.