One Shocking Thing About Accomplishing Goals

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One shocking thing about accomplishing goals startled me as I sat in a conference room with 400 of my new best friends. It was Michael Hyatt’s LIVE event in Nashville.

In the midst of a packed seminar of learning new content for Five Days To Your Best Year Ever I heard a totally unconventional statement from the man on stage.

He said, “I rarely meet all my goals.”

Wow! Did he really say that? After all, he’s the guru of one of the most powerful goal-setting programs ever! He lives it. Others testify of their remarkable transformations. He influences multitudes world-wide! I couldn’t believe it.

But that’s the point.

We tend to think all or nothing when it comes to setting goals. . . change that first. Click To Tweet

We adopt a cynical attitude that sounds like this:

  • I never finish New Year’s resolutions, so why bother?
  • I don’t want to have hope and then be disappointed when it doesn’t happen.
  • Goal-setting isn’t for me. I’m not that type of person.
  • It wouldn’t work for us.  We’re too old to change.
Cynicism and all or nothing thinking are destructive thoughts that keep us from growing. Click To Tweet

Michael Hyatt encourages us to get rid of cynical thinking, set goals out of your comfort zone, and aim high. Of course we’ll not accomplish all our goals – especially if we have eight to ten goals that are meaningful and relevant.

If two or three (or more) of those meaningful and relevant goals are met, that’s something to celebrate! We grow in our humanity. Allow that to be momentum for the next level of growth.

Questions to Ponder About Accomplishing Goals

If you could accomplish two or three of your goals, what would they be?

How would your life be different than it is now?

Ask about our upcoming Courageous 2017 Groups.

Be Your Partner's Hero - Listen

How To Be Your Partner’s Hero – Listen

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Here’s how to be your partner’s hero, listen.

My husband and I are just as imperfect as any couple. But I must say, he is my hero.

It’s not easy being married to a relationship therapist.

I’ve never been married to one, but my husband and others have said it’s not easy.  Although he and I have been married nearly eight years, I have more than 35  years of marital experience.

Not only have I spent my entire adult life trying to make marriage work, I’ve studied it, gotten my degrees around it, professionally developed it, and practically eat, sleep, and breathe efforts into creating and nurturing healthy relationships.

The challenge is that my husband has been a single man most of his adult life. You can only imagine what it might be like for him to be married to a professional relationship therapist.

But here we are, very ordinary, passionate, intense, different, and similar. In all the messiness of our lives, I must say that he’s my hero.

Here’s why my husband is my hero.

He sat through another relationship therapist’s office and did an amazing thing. He stayed with me during a heart-felt, yet difficult dialogue. He could have walked away. But he stayed.

A short youtube video called, “It’s Not About The Nail” shows a couple on a couch, struggling to communicate. When the guy points out that she has a nail in her head, she reacts.

She just wants him to listen. He tries so hard to just listen as she talks about her headaches and snagged sweaters and how difficult it is for her. She just can’t understand.

He struggles to just sit. He tries hard to listen empathically and give her loving eye contact.

That’s what my husband did for me. Only I didn’t have a nail in my head.

Being listened to is the most remarkable feeling we can ever have as human beings. Click To Tweet

I believe we’re designed by God for deep emotional connection in our marriages. When our spouse really hears our longings and desires, our love tank is full.

The way to be your partner’s hero is to listen. 

  • If what you’re hearing from your spouse seems as crazy as a nail in her head, instead just listen.
  • If you’re on the verge of telling her what the problem is, instead just listen.
  • When it takes every ounce of your being to refrain from fixing, instead just listen.

You’ll soon discover that the nail is something much deeper than what the cute video clip shows. It takes a willingness to understand. Be willing to assume your spouse makes sense, even if it looks like a silly nail to you. Allow those crazy feelings to be heard. Those “unrealistic” feelings are likely to be replaced with  remarkable feelings of connection with you.

One simple way to be your partner’s hero is to continue listening.

Our lives are always changing and our love tanks need daily filling. This requires a daily habit of listening. Seeking to understand.

When our love tank is full we have motivation throughout the day. We have a sparkle in our eyes for each other. Our differences are not so threatening. We laugh and play. For my husband and I, we dance.

And it’s not about the nail.

Questions to Ponder

How full (or empty) is your love tank now?

What can you do to make sure you listen?

What’s the next step for you?

The skill of listening doesn’t come natural for most of us. Consider the next step for you to create connection beyond conflict and be your partner’s hero. Sign up for a free consultation to find out what best fits your needs.

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New Year

Why Finish The Past in 2016 Before the New Year

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In Michael Hyatt’s five day goal-setting program he emphasizes the need to makes sense of the previous year before setting goals. Why finish the past in 2016 before the New Year? It clears away subconscious negativity and makes room to live fully in the present. We’re able to start 2017 with fresh energy and motivation.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. - quote by George Santayana Click To Tweet

For example, an unfinished past is like issues I had with my iPad. It froze up and I couldn’t figure out why. When I took it to be serviced, the technician pressed the home screen. He showed me all the apps that were running in the background. Many were duplicates several times over. 

I had no idea. My device wasn’t functioning because of all the unknown apps in the background.  Once I swiped away all those unnecessary apps, it worked fine.

For most of us, we carry our unfinished past from years ago, not just in 2016.

We wonder why most people don’t even bother to take inventory of their past year or plan for change in the New Year. The apps running in the background of their lives have kept them from fresh beginnings. 

The journey through our past wasn’t meant to be forgotten. Our life experiences have meaning and valuable lessons for us.

The lessons of 2016 are catalysts for transformation in 2017. Click To Tweet

Our unfinished past takes up wasted energy and slows us down. Family members experience us as moody, irritable, and cynical. We’re easily triggered. The criticism/defensiveness patterns are like synchronized dance steps in the Tango of our marriages.

Your past holds a wellspring of insight for the New Year.

A small percentage of people who make New Year’s resolutions actually accomplish them.

I believe it’s the subconscious disappointments, anger, trauma and grief that keep us frozen. Even the highlights of the year can be forgotten. We forget to celebrate and fail to take in valuable lessons.

The end of the year is a good time to take inventory of the good, bad, and ugly of our lives. 

When we share our unfinished past with a professional counselor, compassionate minister, or a wise friend, we begin to notice the lessons. Then, we can swipe away the unnecessary apps of our lives.

Questions to Ponder

What part of your past is unfinished?

Who is that trusted counselor, minister, or friend in your life?

What lessons have you gained from your past?

Family Stories, Emotional Well-being

Family Stories And Emotional Well-being

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Recently I’ve paid attention to how family stories and emotional well-being are related.

My husband was so thoughtful to resurrect a few old family photos. He scanned them into a digital file; pictures of my primal self along with young versions of my mom, dad, sister, brother, and extended family.

I began to share them on Facebook one by one.

Our closed group of extended family members came alive with comments and replies like this:

Is that the house in Mount Zion?

Is Jackie the little girl and Judy the baby?

I remember our next door neighbors had horses.

It’s hard to believe I was ever that young.

Suddenly, our years of distance brought us together. Right there on FaceBook, we connected. We laughed. We teared up. We shared memories of our stories.

It was like a cyber puzzle as we put the pieces of our stories together.

The picture became a little clearer. Our relationships give us perspectives we wouldn’t have otherwise.

There’s a feeling of clarity as we connect with our past and share our stories. Click To Tweet

Shortly after this picture was taken our vibrant, healthy and hard-working dad died from cancer. It devastated our entire family. Mom’s grief was overwhelming as she faced raising the three of us small children. Everyone grieved in their own ways. For years it seemed the story of our dad’s death overpowered the story of his life.

Our Facebook connection brought life-giving memories of our dad. We got to know him through the stories of his sister, nephew, and cousins. We learned about our grandfather whom we’d never met; and how he and our dad were close.

We learned more about each other and our love for one another.

No one wants to relive the painful past. It’s easier to ignore it and tuck it away. Pretend and forget. When we do, we miss out. We compartmentalize. We push down the “negative feelings” and learn to emotionally detach. Or we stay in our heads and isolate.

Our unfinished past is like a computer program running in the back of our subconscious minds. It’s slows us down and keeps us from living purposefully. We get easily triggered by the part of our brain that doesn’t know the difference between past and present. Our neuropathways are designed to connect with the past to create meaning. Our closest relationships are meant to connect and heal. 

Our emotional well-being depends on our connections with ourselves and our relationships. Click To Tweet

We’re meant to have meaning from our past in order to have wisdom for the future.

We’re all worth taking the time to finish the past and live fully in the present.  Our stories and history matter. It gives us understanding and empathy with our younger selves. We see a bigger picture and gain perspective. Each of us are deeply loved by God and each other. Our lives are worthy of clarity and purpose. 

About the photo: Dad with sister Jackie and me in the middle looking under the Christmas tree for more presents.

Favorite lines from relatives about the photo:

  • Yes, that’s how I remember Bill – always smiling, laughing, light-hearted.
  • Judy, now I know where you get your smile.
  • He was my favorite brother who took time to understand me. 

Questions to Ponder

What stories from your family give you purpose today?

 

Christmas Anxiety

What To Do With Christmas Anxiety

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I sat on a floor pillow in front of our ceramic nativity set; intending to slow down and ponder God’s love and sacrifice. Then Christmas anxiety showed up with messages like:

  • Shouldn’t you be doing something else to get ready for Christmas?
  • You know those packages will be late.
  • What if they don’t like your gifts?
  • Don’t forget to check your balance.
  • And what if you forget. . . ?
Anxiety is a familiar feeling, yet most of us don't pay attention to it's messages. Click To Tweet

For some of us, anxiety shows up often and we’re quick to ignore it by our busy-ness. We look at our happy friends on Facebook. We distract ourselves with emails. We get caught up with a Netflix series. We absorb ourselves in world news. We shop. We volunteer. We work.

We resist the deeper messages of Christmas anxiety.

Years ago, as a single mom, I was anxious about money and ordering my son’s senior pictures on time. As I paid attention to the familiar anxiety sitting on that floor pillow, I noticed the four smiling adolescents (senior pictures) on my wall; airbrushed and unblemished; looking down at me.

What good did that anxiety do me then? My four unblemished adolescents are still unblemished and smiling at me as I sit here on the floor in front of the Nativity set.

The images of shepherds, wise men, Mary, Joseph, Baby Jesus, along with the sheep and donkey are all unblemished with flowing garments with a sense of wonder on their faces and body gestures. I take that back. One of the donkey’s ears are missing and the other had been glued back on. Other than that, they looked pretty “perfect.”

Allow Christmas anxiety to remind us of what’s real

Any of us who’ve raised adolescent sons and daughters know their lives were far from unblemished and perfect. Even little newborns aren’t “perfect” like we say they are. The Christmas story was far from unblemished with flowing garments. Of course the wise men weren’t even in the story yet.

Our personal and professional lives are far from perfect, yet we present to the public as if they were. Right now I’m spending time trying to perfect this blog post. We want to look good; unblemished, and smiling.

Why do we work so hard for perfect and unblemished images? What is it about the imperfections of our lives we can’t accept? It’s exhausting to keep up with such images. Maybe that’s what anxiety is trying to tell us. Stop trying so hard to be perfect. It’s just an image and not real. 

What if we paid attention to Christmas anxiety? What if we considered any “negative emotion” as a message from God to our souls? Wouldn’t it make our “to do” list seem a bit irrelevant? Why would we want to miss out on the messages God is using – our own emotions? 

Meet God in the midst of Christmas anxiety

Let’s embrace all of our feelings this Christmas season. Consider them messages from God. They’re worthy to notice, remember, and be aware. Let’s accept our imperfections and stay close to what’s real.

Would you join me in this prayer? 

Lord, meet me in this moment. Help me notice what’s real. Help me separate the images from reality. Let me slow down and accept my imperfections. 

Questions to Ponder

What emotions are you experiencing this Christmas season?

What messages are you paying attention to?