Turkey

How Not To Be A Turkey On Thanksgiving Day

 

Some of us dread gathering with extended family on Thanksgiving Day. Rather than focus on gratitude and enjoying the meal, we end up feeling like roasted turkey. But it doesn’t have to be that way when we learn how not to be a turkey on Thanksgiving Day.

Holidays are strong reminders of the way things used to be. We gather with those who know our quirks, history, and points of irritation. Relationship patterns are so automatic that we don’t realize our part in creating the mess.

Even the anticipation can be stressful. We’re uncomfortable with reminders of loss. Divorce, death, or challenging relationships can make the tradition of gratitude difficult for some and unbearable for others. Some even think thoughts like, I wished we could just skip these next six weeks.

Relationship patterns are so automatic that we don't realize our part in creating the mess. Click To Tweet

We know that Thanksgiving and other holidays can be triggers to our grief and negative thinking. It’s evident that that kind of emotional and mental energy depletes us from the warm fuzzies of gratitude. But it’s possible to choose different thoughts.

Here are six practices you can do to make Thanksgiving a time of heart-felt gratitude.

1. Practice adequate rest

Many of us disregard the basic foundation of our mental, emotional, and relational health. We push ourselves to make things just right to impress our guests. Our ability to handle stress is depleted without a consistent habit of seven to eight hours of sleep each night. Adequate cycles of sleep provide our brains the fresh charge of energy for clarity and awareness. Without proper sleep, we’re not able to cope well in stressful situations.

2. Practice deep belly breaths

Slow deep belly breaths help calm impulsive words and actions. It only takes ninety seconds of deep breathing to slow the fight/flight/freeze area of the brain that lights up when we’re triggered. We’re able to access rational thoughts when someone says a mean or hurtful comment. Ancient wisdom teaches us to be quick to hear and slow to speak. (New Testament – James 1:19)

All of us, at times, unintentionally harm others. We don’t realize it because of our own unhealed emotional wounds. With rest and deep breathing, you can control your reactions. You can stop your part of a charged incident.

Deep belly breaths give you ability to reason beyond reactivity. You create neural pathways in your brain that opens up awareness. You’ll be aware of your own body reactions. Emotional triggers affect both our bodies and our minds.

Quiet the racing thoughts and stories in your head that may not be true. Even if they are true, deep belly breaths slow you down enough to gain insight into yourself, the other person, and the incident.

Make it a point to process later through journal-writing or an appointment with your therapist. Your well-being depends on you keeping resentment from building.

Deep belly breaths give you ability to reason beyond reactivity. Click To Tweet

3. Practice your smile

We have mirror neurons in our brains that aid our social connections. When we interact with others, we reflect their gestures, tone, body posture, and behaviors. They reflect us. We smile back when they smile at us. It’s like looking in a mirror.

A smile has the power to disarm another’s frown. Some of us were born smiling while others naturally have stoic faces. A person who looks grumpy might really be concentrating. Or they may be unaware of how they appear to others. Be conscious of how others see you. Practice smiling around those who frown. See if their frown softens with your smile. Here’s more about that: Ways to Diffuse Stress on Thanksgiving

A smile has the power to disarm another's frown. Click To Tweet

4. Practice accepting change

Any change is difficult as we thrive on comfort and security. When our loved one has died, or we’ve experienced divorce, or we’ve moved our family across the country, it’s important to grieve. How we accept change is unique to each of us.

We are meant to grow and change throughout our lives. People, relationships, and circumstances are continually changing. Welcome the reality that our lives will never be stagnant. They’re not suppose to be. It’s part of our humanity to grieve the loss of a loved one and celebrate the birth of new life.

5. Practice what belongs to you

It’s important to know what’s yours and what belongs to another. Your emotions are yours alone. All of us are responsible for our own resilience, emotions, and decisions.

  • Avoid fighting another person’s emotional battles.
  • Let go of another person’s loneliness, anxiety, or uncomfortable feelings.
  • Recognize when others take on the victim role expecting you to be their savior.
  • Spend less time with those who drain you.

Give yourself permission to let go of others’ expectations of you. You were only meant to handle your own emotions. Others are responsible for themselves.

6. Practice the present moment

When you practice the present moment, you’re living that moment to it’s fullest capacity. This could be the single most empowering advice for us all. Hyperfocus on the unfinished business of the past or continuous worry of the future steals away the only time we have in the moment.

Imagine yourself standing still in the middle of a stream. You’re aware of the past like the water flowing toward you from upstream. You’re aware of the future like water flowing beyond you downstream. You feel the cool stream flow around you. Yet, you’re standing still in the present moment.

To sum up: DON’T BE THE TURKEY

You now know how not to be a turkey on Thanksgiving Day. Begin your six practices of gratitude.

1. Practice rest
2. Practice belly breaths
3. Practice smiles
4. Practice accepting change
5. Practice what belongs to you
6. Practice the present moment

Your next steps:

 

Sign up for your free Relationships With Purpose Toolkit.

Gratitude

How to Improve Mental Health From Gratitude

We all need to know how to improve mental health from gratitude. Years ago, my children decorated a cardboard shoe box with gold wrapping paper. They cut a slit on the box top to deposit folded papers with their gratitude for that day. On Thanksgiving, we opened the box full of gratitudes and read them aloud.

It’s become a habit to write what I’m thankful for in a journal. The most recent is the Five Minute Journal. If you balk at the idea of writing in a journal, this one is designed to be a five minute daily practice. The method aligns with improving mental health from a practice of gratitude.

Whatever method we use, there’s benefits from the practice of thinking, writing, and verbalizing what we appreciate.

Practice of Thinking Gratitudes

The practice of thinking gratitudes are more powerful than you might imagine. In his book, Hardwiring Happiness, Rick Hansen illustrates that negativity clings to brain cells like Velcro. He compares how positive thinking on those same cells slide off like Teflon, unless we ponder those thoughts for more than 15 seconds.

No wonder we struggle with depression and anxiety! Is it a surprise to know that meditation is good for us? This finding with neuroscience reminds me of one of my favorite Bible verses in Philippians 4:8 which lists positive ways to meditate. Even from ancient times, truth about our well-being depends on thinking things that are:

  • Just
  • Pure
  • Lovely
  • Good
  • Virtuous
  • Praiseworthy

We have control over our thoughts and can choose to focus on gratitude. It’s easy to ruminate on negative thoughts. Positive thinking requires time and practice.

If you have a family history of depression or anxiety or you struggle with negativity, here’s what to do. Begin a  ratio of twenty positive thoughts to every one negative. The twenty to one ratio gets brain chemistry to balance from the lopsided negative patterns.

How can you possibly count and keep track of such a ratio? The idea is to be continually on the look out for the pure, lovely, beautiful, and thankful moments in life. You will find what you’re looking for.

You have the power to develop, practice, and master positive thinking that increases your mental wellness. Just like any other skill, it takes repetitious behaviors.

Practice of Writing Gratitudes

When you write daily gratitudes you’re doing your brain a favor. Hand-writing alone is an amazing and intricate task of the mind. The dexterity of intangible ideas are formed from hand to pen and paper. Many writers have aha moments while writing. It’s in the ahas that we become clear in our thoughts. Hand-writing slows us down enough to pay attention to what we normally wouldn’t notice.

Our attention to gratitude help us establish healthy neuropathways. When we’re intentionally grateful, we become more aware.

The Five Minute Journal is a daily morning and evening entry of two and a half minutes each. It’s as quick as brushing and flossing your teeth. You begin each morning writing a short list from three areas of focus:

Three things you’re thankful for

Three things that would make today great

An affirmation about yourself

Evening questions from the journal include:

Three amazing things that happened that day

One way you could have made the day better

The questions remind me of the Daily Examine prayer which is an ancient practice from Christendom. Writing down appreciations train your neurons toward life-giving positivity.

If you want to become an optimistic person with resilience against depression, write down what you’re thankful for each day.

When you write daily gratitudes you're doing your brain a favor. Click To Tweet

Practice of Verbal Gratitudes

The practice of verbal gratitudes are powerful. Without being intentional, my husband and I have naturally asked each other right before going to bed, “What are your three amazing things today?” We’ll take a moment to ponder before answering. Many times I’ll quickly say, “Oh, I almost forgot to write it down.” We’ve become accountability partners to look for those appreciations and gratitudes.

When we verbalize appreciations and amazing things to our spouse and others we care about, we feel more connected. It breaks through barriers of silence. We learn to treasure our relationships.

In summary, thinking, writing, and verbalizing gratitude not only changes brain chemistry, but it restores relationships. Whether you use a box, jar, or journal, begin the practice of gratitude.

Verbalizing gratitude makes your relationships healthy. Click To Tweet
Build Trust

4 Ways to Make the Most Of Conference Relationships

I’ve been to a multitude of conferences throughout my career as a counselor. Yet, I was ready to hang out with writers and influencers beyond the four walls of my private practice. If you’re like me, you’ve attended several conferences. Even though there may be hundreds of people, you feel alone and disconnected. And I’ve learned 4 ways to make the most of conference relationships.

The last few years I attended Jeff Goin’s Tribe Conference for writers and artists. This is a gathering of those who want to expand their influence and hone their craft. I resonate with Jeff because he thrives on relationships. And isn’t afraid to brag about his own therapist. Not only is he young enough to be my son, but he’s one of the wisest 34 year olds I know. And to me, he looks like he’s 14.

You may attend a conference for continuing education in your profession. Or you may plan on participating in an event that compliments your career. And here are four ways to make the most of conference relationships.Conference

1. Social media groups

With my first conference in 2015, I didn’t know a soul, but I intentionally sat at the front table to focus and learn. I’m great at listening and comfortable with face-to-face connections. But, I lagged behind with follow-up.

At that time I was still a novice at social media. Many therapists are. Some don’t have personal Facebook accounts for fear of rejecting a client who asks to be a friend. Growth seems to require an element of risk for all of us.

I learned to connect with conference acquaintances through Linked In and Facebook.

2. Volunteer

Volunteering brings a sense of community. I was proud of the red T-shirt I got in Seattle at the Gottman-Siegel Summit in previous years. Being a volunteer at conferences connects you with people you wouldn’t otherwise know.

By year two of Tribe Conference, I volunteered with intentions to connect. I joined a coaching group and became a Tribe Girlfriend on a closed Facebook group. Our group met regularly all year through webcam calls. We laughed, prayed, encouraged, and shared words of wisdom along with our ideas. On a monthly basis, we challenged each other to write and be clear and focused. It was a challenge to coordinate our time zones from California to Tennessee. But we did it.

Our time together grew our trust as a group. We began to know each other’s strengths, weaknesses, vulnerabilities, and trials. We empathized and asked hard questions. When tragedy struck, we were there for each other. Our friendship deepened as writers.

3. Plan Reconnections

After three years, our meetups grew from a handful of insecure patrons to a confident gathering of trusted and familiar friends. Some of us met for the first time in person comparing the postage stamp facebook profiles with the live person.

“Oh, you look just like your picture.”

Or you’d hear phrases like, “Oh, that’s you? The one who. . .?”

However the greeting began, it would continue as, “I’m so glad to meet you.” We’re hugging, smiling, thanking, and connecting.

Laughter is spontaneous, but relationships require intentional connections. Click To Tweet

4. Practice Conference Wisdom 

Marsha Shandur, was the speaker who normalized our awkwardness as “dork goblins” when we meet new people. It was a brilliant and funny way to present what I do less brilliantly and funny for my clients in counseling sessions. She demonstrated her own quirks and how to respond to the insecure parts of ourselves. Give the insecure part a name. When it shows up, and take deep breaths when our bodies react to anxiety.

There were many highlights: speakers, meet-ups, books, networking, notes, gormet popcorn, chocolate, and conversations at the conference. It’s not just about learning new ways to think, and do, and be. It’s about the Tribe. It’s about ways to grow conference acquaintances into friendships.

Your Next Steps 

  1. If you struggle with identifying your “dork goblin” ask for your free 20 minute consultation.
  2. Connect with me on Linked in or visit my Facebook page.
  3. Join me for the Conference in October, 2018

 

 

Anxiety

Anxiety: How Journal Writing Helps

Anxiety: How Journal Writing Helps.

My first diary may have been pink or blue with flowers or peace signs, I’m not sure. But I know the mounted metal lock and flimsy key made me think it was secure. As a fourth grader who liked a boy in my class, it was a treasure box for my secret desires. It later became a way to process anxiety.

Anxiety Journal

Handwriting in a journal is one of the most intricate and complex things our brains can do. Without an outlet, those neurons can take you on trails of negativity, worry, and harsh self-talk. Even when you write down a list or phrases in a journal, you release those unwanted thoughts and focus on more important things, like the project or task that needs your full attention.

Then you can close the journal and use your mental energy toward living in the moment. The toxic thoughts transfer from your head to the journal.

Learn to live in the moment. Transfer uninvited thoughts from your head to your journal. Click To Tweet

Anxiety Appointment

For those who struggle with anxiety, I encourage them to find a 30 minute time frame at the same time every day to write in a special journal just for those anxious moments. You begin to train your anxious thoughts to associate a physical journal as a place to land.

When anxiety rears it’s ugly head at uninvited times, you can tell it, “I’m busy now. You’ll need to wait for your appointment later today.”

Journal Writing – Growth Beyond Anxiety

When your anxious thoughts are written down and closed up in a physical book, you can put it on the shelf or hide it under the mattress. It’s there when you need it again. Or it’s there when the anxiety is no longer haunting. Or it’s there when you’re far enough removed from it that you can look back and celebrate how far you’ve grown out of them. Like looking at a picture of your immature self that doesn’t even look like you any more.

Handwriting in a journal is one of the most intricate and complex things our brains can do for well-being. Click To Tweet

From Anxiety to Gratitude 

The authors of The Five Minute Journal consider daily journal-writing as good for your mental health as brushing and flossing your teeth is for your dental hygiene. You build up plaque in your brain if you go days without writing what you’re thankful for.

The mind is so intricately complicated and we can’t possibly be aware of every automatic thought that takes us on a trail of negative ruminations. But we can direct our thoughts that serve us well. The habit of writing down what we’re thankful for every morning primes our brains before starting our day. We learn to look for amazing things as we reflect and write them down right before going to sleep at night.

Write for Well-being

Our minds are now more complex and stressed with patterns of thinking than our ten year old selves. We’ve outgrown our fourth grade anxieties and diaries with peace signs and flimsy locks. Let’s continue to outgrow our current worries. Let’s appoint a time to write and give our ourselves the well-being to live fully in the present.

What to do next

  • Share this article with a friend
  • Learn more about group support
  • Ask for a free 20 minute consultation

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Father's Day

Father’s Day: Sharing Pleasant Moments

Father’s Day can be difficult for some. Recently I decided to take a risk in our 50’s plus social group from church. There were only twelve of us. Some I knew well while others were new to me. How do we prepare for Father’s Day and focus on sharing  pleasant moments?

I didn’t know if all the men in the room were dads. But we all had dads. I asked: What are your memorable dad moments? Oh no, I thought. Some may not have pleasant memories of their dads. Or, being a dad right now may be a painful thing. I wanted to honor them. Not remind them of difficulties.

Pleasant memories open up special places in our hearts. Click To Tweet

As each person shared, it seemed we all opened up special places in our hearts. Those who are dads answered from their experiences of fathering children. Those who weren’t dads answered from memories of their dad.

Pleasant Moments from Fathers

Here’s what the fathers in the group said:

With a twinkle in his eyes, Sid said, “It was the moment she was born.”

Dave said, “The memory that tugs at my heart was the day I sent each child off to their first day of kindergarten.”

William said, “It would have been easier to tell my four-year-old son not to touch the stereo equipment. Instead I showed him how to use it and press the right buttons. That was a challenge because it was before the technology of remote controls.”

Tony said, “I’ve always had a great relationship with my daughter. And I’ve not held back from giving her clear expectations and boundaries.” And he gave more details about what to do and not to do on her first date with a boy.

Mark said, “I’ve never been a father. But when I volunteered my time to read to elementary school children, it was like a father spirit opened up in me.” Mark shared more about his love of reading to children. He’s written a couple of children’s books. He loves being in the presence of young children.

Pleasant Memories of Fathers

Jean said with a little girl smile on her face, “I remember when my dad came home from work. I would run to him. He swept me up in his arms.”

“My dad had so much patience. He ran along side my bike while I learned how to ride.” Karen said.

“I followed my dad around the yard,” Jenny said. “One of his friends told him to enjoy it now because it wouldn’t last. He appreciated hanging out with me.”

“My dad drove the boat while I water skied,” said John. “He liked to joke around with me.”

Joe shared that his dad knelt down by his bedside each night to pray with him.

Finally, my friend Karen said, “What are your pleasant dad memories, Judy?”

“Well, my dad died when I was a small child,” I said. “And I do have memories of him teaching me how to ride my bike.” I have few memories about my dad. He died a young man of 28 years within six weeks of his diagnosis of cancer. I’ve learned more from family members about my dad. Here’s what they’ve said as we shared old family photos.

  • Yes, that’s how I remember Bill – always smiling, laughing, light-hearted.
  • Judy, now I know where you get your smile.
  • He was my favorite brother who took time to understand me.
Old family photos can help resurrect pleasant memories. Click To Tweet

Beyond our own Fathers

Beyond our own dads, I want to honor others. I think pleasant thoughts of my children’s dad, and the fathers of my grandchildren. I’m proud of my youngest son who faithfully reads to my youngest grand daughter each night.

I think of my dad substitutes over the years.

  • Grandfather whom I cried bucket-loads of tears when he passed away at 94.
  • Stepdad, Bob who has taken that dad role in my life as an adult.
  • Father-in-law who was Papa to my four children.
  • Uncle Ken who’s been the “icon” dad in my life, although I’ve not told him so. His words as the foreword of my e-book were a gift from God to me. 

I’m glad I asked the question, What are your memorable dad moments? I came away appreciating the fathers represented in our 50’s social group.

What pleasant father memories do you have?